Transition no 2 @ Week 12

12 weeks have passed since the birth of number 2 Meimei Jojo and there are many things to thank God for. Thank God that Jojo has not been difficult... she has been really quite cooperative which I am very grateful for. That helps me and also the helper a lot in coping with the household.

Much has happened in the last two months. I was hoping and praying for a successful breastfeeding journey, but after 1++ month, I was down w a fungal infection and I had to pump and throw for about 2 weeks. After that I could resume but my supply has dropped tremendously... it has been difficult and painful trying to pump back the supply because I am going back to work tomorrow!!! I kind of miss latching Meimei...

We are also in the midst of renovation for our new house and it has been just busy busy busy. We spent all our Mondays shopping for furniture, running errands and settling renovation. I am so much looking forward to moving to a new place! but the process of getting there is arduous...

I have been taking on a lot of responsibilities in the house lately, so much so that I find myself running on empty sometimes. I lost my cool at Jaime a few times this week, and I don't seem to have the capacity to endure and have patience and tolerance. I probably need to give myself space to breathe, to renew.. restore and recharge. One of my prayers is that I can find a new equilibrium and balance as I return to work, but one thing I know, there will be lots of grace for my household. :)

Thank You Jesus for your brand new mercy and grace... every single day.

Before I pop....

Week 39 Day 3

I am a few days from popping and I just wanted to register how I felt at this moment.

This pregnancy had been a lot of survival... for a huge part of the last few months... most of the time I was really thinking how to survive.. how to live one day at a time... how to get through a week at a time.. and to regulate a lot of emotions...

But coming to week 39, everything suddenly 沉淀下来。我无需再担心，而是真正的待产心情。而且，我也在这两周里有更有时间和精力去做我想做的事。我认为这是恩典吧，上帝给我恩典，让我在生产之前，完成我需要做的事情。

突然之间，这星期我开始有紧张的情绪。我这几天在陪着孩子的时候，心里想，在老二出来之后，我要怎么样去满足两个孩子的需要。我无法想象自己的生命会有多大的改变，一个小孩对我人生的改变真的很大，我没法想象有两个孩子的生活....

也因为之前只为生存，我真的没有去思考生后该如何。现在突然发现，自己真的离新生儿很远，我已经忘记喂奶是什么感觉...而这一切，就要重新开始了。

现在的我，离生产大概是40++小时。这次真的很感恩，因为有个自己可以期待的日期，好好准备好一切，但不免还是有点紧张。

晓亭...加油！

付出 vs 回報

在預產期倒數的前幾刻……先記錄一下自己的心情和反思。

這段日子常常在思考的是「付出與回報」的問題。

發現自己從很久很久以前就頻頻發生這個問題，從中學開始，雖然現在已經不常發生，但偶爾自己還是會有這樣的「癥狀」。

我發現自己是個在做什么事情，都會完全「掏心掏肺」的人。特別是在人際關系上面，我發現自己沒辦法而總是會做出最大的努力和付出，這從中學開始就是這樣。我一旦注重一個人，就會很愿意付出，而最近我在思考，這個「付出」的問題，是和個人的個性有關系，還是和自己成長的背景有關系。而最終，這到底是不是一個「問題」還是我在思考的。

常常我會發現，自己很注重一段友誼或關系，卻沒有得到相等的回應。年輕的我以前常在這事上糾結，漸漸長大后已經對這事情更看開和放手。我自己的性格奇怪在于，自己明明就很外向，但卻又是那么的exclusive，而我發現我exclusive的原因是因為自己一旦敞開心扉去讓人進入我的世界，就是讓自己vulnerable，而且我這個「掏心掏肺」的個性，太容易受傷，因此我對于誰能進入我的世界，是非常的講究和計較。

因為我是個open book，我完全沒有辦法對人有所保留，對于我所關心、在乎的人，我總是敞開去分享我的生命。因此，我才會那么計較允許什么樣的人進入我的世界。雖說如此，但是我依然還是會有受傷的時候，尤其在自己完全敞開去分享我的生命，但對方沒有對我如此坦誠的時候，自己總是會有一絲絲的遺憾和失望。

以前的我，每當感覺自己會受傷，立即的反應就是抽離。我總是會把自己受傷的情緒壓起來，從這段關系抽離，但問題是自己仍然無法釋懷，依然糾結在這上面。最近，我感覺上帝在這方面對我說話，祂讓我看見抽離不是最好的回應方式，祂教導我如何用正確的方式去解決這些情緒。最近看到一部戲提到「情感潔癖」這個說法，可能自己是個有「心理潔癖」的人，就是我完全沒有辦法讓我心里存在任何糾結、傷痛、失望的情緒而不去解決它們。偏偏我又是個執著的人，我常常希望自己不是個open book，常常希望自己不要那么執著，常常希望自己不要那么介意，常常希望自己不要把每件事情都看得那么重，但又偏偏……我就是沒辦法。

邁入30大關，一位友人告訴我，30歲，是我們更有自信的時候。所以邁入30歲，我想給予自己更多的一些肯定。我花了大半輩子，希望自己不要這樣。希望自己可以有所保留、希望自己不要執著、希望自己更放開、希望自己不是open book……但我也發現這就是我，所以我正在學習面對這樣的自己，接受這樣的自己，再來做個更好的自己。

我在想，上帝造我的時候，我的個性怎么會有這么多矛盾的地方？extroverted but exclusive. open book 但又要執著……

我也希望自己學習用正確的方式去面對我的情緒，而不是用我自己想要的方式去保護自己……

#musingsoftheheart

心系 vs 釋懷

過了幾個星期，自己腦海裡面還是甩不掉「释怀」两个字。

我感觉上帝在我心里头慢慢做出调整，特别是在对人的期待上。

我发现，自己常常会因为人际关系而受影响或失望，而最近在思考，这是不是自己「心系」的问题呢？是不是自己的心系着一些不该系着的事物？在这段时间里，对我来说最困难的莫过于成天的无所事事。我里面迫切需要与人连结、沟通、有更深一层的交流。但是，自己关在屋子里，加上缺乏人与人之间的接触，让我变得有点儿神经质，在情绪上失调。坦白说，我绝对不喜欢这样的自己——不喜欢自己失控，不喜欢自己情绪化多过理智，也不喜欢自己付出到一个无法自拔的地步，以致受影响。

我一直在寻找这当中的平衡是什么，我也一直尝试不要用一种防卫心理去对待这一切。我越是防备，越没办法真心的去正视自己的问题（如果有问题）。

以前每当受伤，我的自然反应就是抽离、自卫，但在这当中里面却埋起了许许多多受伤的情绪。我是一个，如果有疙瘩就必须要说出来的人，但这个问题在于，你认为有问题，别人不一定认为有问题。你要谈，别人不一定要谈，但我却又是个凡事都不能放在心上的人。

我常思考，自己为何是个open book，很多时候多么希望自己不是这样，自己可以为自己保留更多一点，也常希望我不是一个那么需要人际关系的人……可偏偏我就是那么需要深层的交流，我需要朋友，I need real human relationships to fill me...

另外一个问题是，因为自己是个open book，我什么事情都需要说出来，而我也常认为别人也是这样... 所以当我发现别人没有用这样的方式来回我，I will also be affected...

这是个「想太多」的时期……但也感觉上帝在调整我的心态……可能自己太闲了……好期待这时期赶快过去……

三十而立

孔子曰：“吾十有五，而志于学。三十而立。四十而不惑。五十而知天命。六十而耳顺。七十而从心所欲，不逾矩。”

虽然年龄只不过是个数字，但我对这个年龄还是有点期待的。之前提到，在这段被迫放慢脚步的时间里，我进行了很多反思——不知是无意或有意。可是，来到30岁这个里程碑，心中除了感恩，还是感恩。

感恩上帝，让我在20年后依然在教会服事。

感恩上帝，让我在10年后依然带领小组。

感恩上帝，结婚生子后依然能紧跟随祂的脚步。

感恩上帝，每一步的带领和引导，除了说谢谢，我还能说什么呢？

这两个月不容易，感觉自己的生命停滞不前，感觉我的世界好像come to a standstill，可是却在这段时间里，我看到了上帝丰盛的恩典。今天牧师讲道的一句话让我很感动，他说 Sometimes God speaks to us through His nature more than direct communication. That is so true...一路来，我不一定听见上帝的声音，但是即使我感觉的是沉默，我依然看见祂如何在我生命动工。生命中的每一步，祂就是那么的信实。

牧师还说了一句话，our confidence doesn't come from the assurance of the outcome, but it comes from the nature of God... His love for us... His calling for us... His plan for us... What a comforting thought. I take confidence and courage in everything in life... because I know He loves me. I was reminded of the season in my life, when I was fearful I will never get attached and married, and God revealed to me this deep deep love He had for me... and He showed me how He has the best in store for me, simply because He loves me... Such is His love...

Signing out on this last day of July - one of my favorite months of the year... with overwhelming gratefulness in my heart.

Jesus, thank You for everything, and in the next 30 years of my life... let me know You and love You more than ever before :)

Week 34

A lot of thought have been flooding through my mind.. Yes as usual so what's new about this. And as usual I blame it on the pregnancy hormones, and maybe the confining at home that has been evoking all these thoughts and crazy emotions.

On divine connections. 

Recently I have been witnessing how God is moving in lives bringing about divine connections, and it warmed my heart a lot to see how relationships open us up to a whole world and change us so profoundly.

But at the same time, I found myself moping over lost and distant relationships and wishing.. a whole lot of stuff. But something the hubby said suddenly struck me.. it isn't some new profound truth that I haven't known before... 但是他的一句话完全点醒了我，使我释怀。

最近在思考这个词“释怀”，当下，我真的感觉自己心中一颗大石放了下来。思考的是，自己是不是一个太执着的人，为什么对很多事情、很多人都是那么难放下，那么难放手……


On another note, I am really pretty absolutely frustrated w this current state... I think it's making me a little too emo, cause me to think a little too much and I don't know what's the way out... Urgh...

回首

I blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

I have been spending 2 days thinking a lot a lot about the past...

I kind of miss my young and carefree days.

Being a mum forces you to give up quite a lot.. and the extrovert in me has been much suppressed...

Suddenly there was a huge desire to YOLO, to travel, to be young and wild and free... much contrary to the current confined state at home...

Till then... I just have to suffice w a lot of imagination...

Urgh.. Pls deliver me from the wretched self that I am.. and all the emo-ness... OMG!