三十而立

孔子曰：“吾十有五，而志于学。三十而立。四十而不惑。五十而知天命。六十而耳顺。七十而从心所欲，不逾矩。”

虽然年龄只不过是个数字，但我对这个年龄还是有点期待的。之前提到，在这段被迫放慢脚步的时间里，我进行了很多反思——不知是无意或有意。可是，来到30岁这个里程碑，心中除了感恩，还是感恩。

感恩上帝，让我在20年后依然在教会服事。

感恩上帝，让我在10年后依然带领小组。

感恩上帝，结婚生子后依然能紧跟随祂的脚步。

感恩上帝，每一步的带领和引导，除了说谢谢，我还能说什么呢？

这两个月不容易，感觉自己的生命停滞不前，感觉我的世界好像come to a standstill，可是却在这段时间里，我看到了上帝丰盛的恩典。今天牧师讲道的一句话让我很感动，他说 Sometimes God speaks to us through His nature more than direct communication. That is so true...一路来，我不一定听见上帝的声音，但是即使我感觉的是沉默，我依然看见祂如何在我生命动工。生命中的每一步，祂就是那么的信实。

牧师还说了一句话，our confidence doesn't come from the assurance of the outcome, but it comes from the nature of God... His love for us... His calling for us... His plan for us... What a comforting thought. I take confidence and courage in everything in life... because I know He loves me. I was reminded of the season in my life, when I was fearful I will never get attached and married, and God revealed to me this deep deep love He had for me... and He showed me how He has the best in store for me, simply because He loves me... Such is His love...

Signing out on this last day of July - one of my favorite months of the year... with overwhelming gratefulness in my heart.

Jesus, thank You for everything, and in the next 30 years of my life... let me know You and love You more than ever before :)

Week 34

A lot of thought have been flooding through my mind.. Yes as usual so what's new about this. And as usual I blame it on the pregnancy hormones, and maybe the confining at home that has been evoking all these thoughts and crazy emotions.

On divine connections. 

Recently I have been witnessing how God is moving in lives bringing about divine connections, and it warmed my heart a lot to see how relationships open us up to a whole world and change us so profoundly.

But at the same time, I found myself moping over lost and distant relationships and wishing.. a whole lot of stuff. But something the hubby said suddenly struck me.. it isn't some new profound truth that I haven't known before... 但是他的一句话完全点醒了我，使我释怀。

最近在思考这个词“释怀”，当下，我真的感觉自己心中一颗大石放了下来。思考的是，自己是不是一个太执着的人，为什么对很多事情、很多人都是那么难放下，那么难放手……


On another note, I am really pretty absolutely frustrated w this current state... I think it's making me a little too emo, cause me to think a little too much and I don't know what's the way out... Urgh...

回首

I blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

I have been spending 2 days thinking a lot a lot about the past...

I kind of miss my young and carefree days.

Being a mum forces you to give up quite a lot.. and the extrovert in me has been much suppressed...

Suddenly there was a huge desire to YOLO, to travel, to be young and wild and free... much contrary to the current confined state at home...

Till then... I just have to suffice w a lot of imagination...

Urgh.. Pls deliver me from the wretched self that I am.. and all the emo-ness... OMG!

The Third.

You would think that it gets easier with every pregnancy but no it doesn't.

I am currently standing at week 30... and have been spotting through since like 5 months?

The first few times going to Dr Fong was a huge scare. As usual he stated the facts and used his big term of "threatened abortion" and later on "threatened premature".. and he would go on about how much it costs and what is the survival rate at each stage.

I don't know how I have come this far.. but I really have come thus far. But it's probably another two more months to go... and sometimes the future looks blurry.

In the beginning there were a lot of worries... even nightmares. Till now I still get dreams but not nightmares per se. I am thankful for the measure of faith given to me.. that I can believe that I will see a healthy and beautiful baby.

It is a journey of faith every step of the way. But every step of it, I am just grateful to God for sustaining me and the baby...

I think I will cry when the baby comes out... tears of joy and relief!

Till then...

找到自己的步伐

這幾天請了病假在家裡。奇怪的是，無聊的時間怎麼過得那麼快。

早上醒來刷一刷手機，掃一掃電腦，時間就過了。

最近認為自己精神狀態不好，這裡指的狀態是 intellectual... I feel empty intellectually. 

發現自己一直在看一些無關痛癢的文章，但卻沒有真真實實的閱讀。裡頭這種空洞的感覺，實在不堪。

因為休息多了，就會有晚上睡不著覺的問題，或是一大早五點鐘醒來。

醒來之後，思緒就多了。

其中一個我在思考的問題是：何為幸福快樂？

我發現，當了母親之後，這幾年來我一直想要追求的就是平衡。要如何調整自己的生活，達到完美平衡，那是我夢寐以求的，但我也了解，完美只是個目標，可能是我一輩子不停追求到無法達到的目標。

但最近，自己心中有太多的不足。覺得自己可以禱告多一點，可以更屬靈一點，可以多看一點書，可以更增廣見聞一點……好像什麼事情都可以多做一點。這是因為自己太拼，還是其實我的確可以在自己的生活中做更多……

在思考屬靈的事上，我又問自己：何為屬靈？

什麼樣的程度才算真正屬靈呢？當了媽媽之後，我總是覺得自己不夠屬靈，而也漸漸習慣這樣的狀態。在不譴責自己又要督促自己的情況之下，這平衡又要如何去拿捏？這是我真正很想要解決的問題。

自己的靈修生活有點兒來到停滯的狀態，但是我又沒有認為自己的靈命停滯，反而是覺得上帝透過生活對我傳講許多，上帝要的“完美狀態”是什麼，這是我想要去發掘的。 

因此這篇文章才有這個標題：找到適合自己的步伐。

這可以說是我現今的渴望……找到屬於自己的旋律、步伐和脈搏。 

A parenthesis...

I am now 18 weeks into my third pregnancy...

Just a month ago, I stumbled upon the story of a beautiful girl online, and her story captured my heart.

I must admit, I am not one that is especially empathetic.. there are just too many tragedies going on in the world. But her parents' struggle to find out what's wrong with her medical condition somehow caught my attention, and more importantly it was their faith and trust in God and how they did their best for their daughter. This beautiful girl was #courageouscaitie.

They were from the Philippines and I thought I wouldn't follow the story of this girl anymore, but somehow they came to Singapore in seek of medical advice and I continued to read about this girl every day. I remember.. for 1-2 weeks, I just couldn't get it out of my mind, what she's going through, what her parents are going through, Previously, I spent quite a bit of time thinking about suffering but I just could not process it.. I told God I was really scared... of having to suffer for Him. The thought scares me... I really didn't want it.

But that two weeks, the thought on suffering kept ringing in my mind.. reading her mum's blog.. I asked God.. why would He allow the parents to see their child suffer like that? And God actually replied me, because I saw My son suffer like that on the cross...

After two weeks of wrestling with God, I came to terms with it and told the Lord that I am willing... and later on they found out this beautiful girl was diagnosed w a rare form of Leukemia (that was why they couldn't detect what's wrong, it was very rare and hence difficult to pick up). Together with her parents, I prayed every night with Jaime for her healing, I was so glad though sad that she had a diagnosis.. and there was something to fight.

I was full of hope and faith.. rejoiced with them when Caitie discharged... seeing her trying to get back to health again.. eating again.. and it all looks good. I was envisioning her getting a bone marrow transplant.. nursing her health back and she will be a great great testimony for God.

But more than one week ago, things turned for the worse. An infection at first that just didn't seem to recover...and she had to be transferred to ICU.. I prayed and kept praying.. But things didn't pick up. I miss the beautiful updates of her smile and how hard she tried to fought her disease..

One or two days before her passing, when I was praying for her again.. I felt God drop this word in me.. Could you take it if she goes.. I told God no...

Just yesterday I opened my IG and realised she was in a critical condition.. I just prayed and prayed until I saw the update that she has gone home to be with Jesus.. I sat at my desk tearing for some time...

She was 3 year old just like Jaime.. and it's all too difficult. I tried not to think or read but I couldn't.. and would break down every time. Until I finally steadied my emotions because I had to lead CG meeting.

On my way home after CG, as I was thinking about her life, God brought back to my mind a verse "To live is Christ, to die is gain" (Phil 1:21). This was a verse that I had failed to fully grasp and had been toying with at the back of my mind for so long.. and suddenly, because of her life, it all makes sense now. She completely lived out the word... her courage, strength, life and death was such a great testimony for God... and that night, I thought a lot about Jesus, Heaven, eternity and hope. I saw at her funeral, how so many people turned up.. and online, how so many people were blessed and inspired by her story... in her death, she manifested the life of Christ.

Till today, I am blown away by how a 3 year old taught me about life, death and most importantly Jesus. I went home last night choked with emotions, as I hugged Jaime I cried. I am so so thankful I have a baby to hug, a family to love.

I realised.. I haven't talked enough about Jesus.. shared enough about Jesus..

This is a parenthesis in my motherhood journey that I will really treasure.

To love life, love family, and most importantly, love Jesus.

Thank you #courageouscaitie. :) See you in heaven...

看开

我自称自己是个看得很开的人，但却发现，有些事情，我不是这么容易说放下就放下。

过去五年，很多事情改变了，包括我身边友人，但一些人的友善和一些人的敌意却让我措手不及。

毕竟我们曾经相识一场、毕竟我们曾经一起生活、一起同工，人类的友善（与缺乏）的确让我感到错愕。

正在学习看开、学习放下……

如何坦诚待人、敞开心扉依然是一门学无止尽的功课。

Saying goodbye to 2015

It has been a most boring countdown for 2015, amidst a very exciting Christmas holiday we had. To be honest, I love Christmas so much, for all its joy, hope and giving. It's a time to love and to be loved, a time to give and receive.

We had a couple of very wonderful Christmas services, my beautiful thanksgiving CG as usual, gathering for our kids w all the mommy friends and not forgetting our annual family gathering. So much joy and so much glee! Now as I wallow in my misery of my boring countdown and new year, I almost forgot how happy Xmas had been.

My heart is full in 2015, I have seen the fruition of many things coming to past. My CG experienced a breakthrough, after a very difficult year in 2014, and my heart is filled with thanksgiving as I see how we have ended the year well.

It has been a joy of seeing Jaime grow up, this is the year that she experienced a lot of growth in speech and conversing with her every day brings a lot of joy, amidst all the frustration I might have experienced.

Grandma passed away this year, but it has also brought my family closer than ever before.

我心确实满溢，特别为这一年感恩。感恩有上帝恩典，感恩有家庭祝福，感谢上帝一直在我身边。

拥抱2016。

and it goes on and on and on

Today was one of the longest days in my life...

the non-stop taking care of Jaime.. hearing her whines and demands...

sometimes i asked myself when would the break come...

only to find that God will keep enlarging me in this process...

"I don't ask God for lesser burdens, but broader shoulders to bear the burdens"

Help me Lord...

On the matters of the heart

We had a very powerful leaders' meeting w Sun last Tues, and I was completely blessed.

Sun shares very differently, but her sharing always has the ability to make me reflect and think.

She shared about the heart and said... (XT paraphrased)

"As leaders, we are sometimes so good at monitoring our external behaviour, and we neglect the monitoring of our heart.

But what is more impt is the monitoring of our heart instead of our behaviour...

because if we neglect it, eventually our hearts will catch up w our behaviour."

We need to be in sync... inside out, outside in.

And at the end she prayed something along this line...

God, give us the courage, security and introspection to see our heart's true inward condition...

I realise in order for us to become what God wants us to be, we first must be willing to face up to who we really are.

And it's really not easy isn't it?

We have so many mistakes, failures, bad attitudes, sin in our lives that we are just so afraid of owning up to who we really are...

but only when we do that, then we can truly be free, and be who God wants us to be...

God I pray I will always have the courage to face up to who I am, my true heart condition - good, bad and ugly... so that I can be who You want me to be...

it hurts.

so badly that sometimes I just want to run away.

it seems like u choose... to endure or to run away.

the former is too painful, the latter is too drastic.

when the rubber meets the road....

Jaime turns 2

These two years passed me by like a whirlwind and we ended up in pretty much of a struggle... but I think I can say, I won't exchange this for anything else. :)

Birthdays are not just a big deal for the child, except for birthday cakes. So this year, I was honestly too lazy for a birthday party.

We brought Jaime out to the zoo with her good friend Zac (and the parents), and 阿嬤，公公and叔叔came over to celebrate her birthday. Life's good just like that. We had a simple celebration in school, and she got to sing the birthday song again at my aunt's place w Gor Gor and Jie Jie (the neighbours).

Jaime's really cute nowadays since she has started learning to speak. Her vocabulary is still quite limited, usually she only says one words but they are still extremely funny to listen to. And she has now picked up words from songs so she can sing the last word.

Like...

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine

I have come to terms with the fact that God is not given me an easy, no-fuss baby and I have learnt to deal with it too. Somehow, Jaime has a lot of insecurities and fears and instead of making them going away, I just slowly learn to reassure her and help her out of it.

We have found a new equilibrium, and after Jaime has gone to school, life now seems less stressful for us as a family.

All is well.

Dear Baby,

You have transformed mummy's life, like literally literally. You are the cutest 2 year old I have ever met. Mummy loves your funny antics, how you tell me what you want, how you are paranoid over the strangest things - like hair, how you will pray for the bees every night, how you love people that are close to your heart like daddy and mummy, how you would mess up my hair every now and then, how you would pretend to be a baby, how you love singing and dancing... and the list goes on. Mummy is so in love with you. I pray you grow to be a fine young lady, who will love God, love people, and go on to live out the destiny that God has for you.

Wouldn't exchange you for anything else baby... love you sooooo much!!!

Here's a picture featuring your cheeky look!

goodbye 2014 hello 2015

凌晨三点钟可以坐在这里写文章，是一件很享受的事情。

2014 has been much kinder to me I feel.

2013 was a huge struggle... when I first transited to motherhood, having to balance everything...

I just read a mum's post, where she shared how she struggled in the earlier years... that's exactly how I feel. A lot of struggles...

这一年，我常常思考很多事情。

想搬家

想旅行

想宣教

想念书

好想 好想 好想

心中有许许多多的渴望，但心里也知道时候未到。

家里变得热闹了，但眼泪也多了，争吵也多了，我渐渐发觉我们是那么需要恩典。

没有恩典，我们又怎么可能坚持到今天……

In 2014, I really started to enjoy being a mother. Maybe because Jaime is more grown up, maybe because I have gotten used to the idea of being a mum. I just enjoy playing with her... sitting down with her... especially in these last few weeks when life has slowed down, I just enjoyed spending time with her a lot :)

It is so easy for me to look at what others have and what I don't have... that I constantly have to remind myself how blessed I am. How God has provided for us and we are not in lack. How help will always come readily to us. How somehow in the midst of all the craziness I manage to do what I do... and get a chance to serve God the way I serve God now...

I am so grateful :)

I think one thing I will really remember this year... is as a mother, I actually get to do missions with Pastor. I never thought this might be possible.. but Taiwan, Skudai is a BIG dream come true. Or rather, actually I didn't even dreamed about it... God did exceedingly abundantly above what I can think or imagine...

In spite of the ups and downs in ministry this year, I am grateful for my one decade in CG ministry! :) Woohoo... milestone accomplished...

Amidst a loss this year... God is still so so so good...

Thank You for Your grace

Thank You for You...

You are more than enough...

#goodbye2014 #hello2015

17.12.14 The ____ that was not to be

我曾想过 我是否也会走过这一段

我真的走过了

它来得快 走得也很快

快到我来不及察觉

在我还未习惯它的存在

在黑夜之中 就悄悄的走了

我相信

祂的时间

祂的计划

祂赐的未来

我相信

祂比我更懂我的未来

我相信

「我赤身出於母胎，也必赤身归回；赏赐的是耶和华，收取的也是耶和华。耶和华的名是应当称颂的。」约伯记1:21

在这之后 我更学会珍惜……

痛

I seldom talk about this, but since it's 4am in the morning.. I am entitled to think and reflect.

When we approach Jan 2015, it will be the 10th year I am being a CGL.

This year, I thought a lot about why I have become a CGL, why I am a CGL, and what keeps me going as a CGL.

To be perfectly honest, there are too many moments that I felt like giving up.

As I grow in my work capacity, and my role as a wife, mother and daughter, I find it increasingly difficult to keep on. Especially when I see friends around me slowly dropping out as leaders... I ask myself... what keeps me going? and why should I continue...

And undeniably, one huge factor that prompts me to reflect is this huge disappointment in my heart. The disappointment that my ministry doesn't turn out the way I want it to be. The disappointment that after 10 years of ministry, I don't see hundreds of people added to the house of God because of me. The disappointment of people leaving... The people that I love and care for, and personally pour my life into.. especially in the earlier years of my ministry.. it is all too hard. I have learned to stand up, shake away the dirt and move on... but the pain I still feel in my heart sometimes cannot be ignored.

Recently I have been thinking about pastoring, because of Pst Tan says... and I think that I have to rethink success in terms of ministry. I am still getting there...

And 10 years on, of course now there is the trial. I rarely chip in a word about the trial these days... because 该说的已经说了，该听的人也已经听了。

I still feel antagonized on the inside when I see Pastor, Sun and our leaders being misunderstood... I still feel it when people don't get to hear the side of their story.. I still feel it when what is being said is so different from what I experience when I am up close and personal with them... but it is also something that I cannot help or do something about... It's just this agony on the inside. 有时候我心里会呐喊，不是这样的！But I know it doesn't avail much in the natural....

A lot of thoughts as we wrap up the year...

不堪回首

最近在和朋友谈话时，勾起自己很多的回忆，也想起自己很多不堪回首的过去。

可能只有在过去7年时间，才学会坚强，自爱……

记得自己从中学开始，走过一段自己被当作理所当然的日子……有时候是因为朋友、有时候是因为男生……但因为走过一段自己在乎别人比别人在乎自己的日子……我后来学会抽离，学会衡量自己的付出。我当时开始学习在付出上有所保留，因为害怕受伤。我开始学会矜持，我渐渐走出来了。

后来，我祈求上帝给我一个爱我比我爱他多的男人，上帝真的应允了我的祷告。

我不知道自己面对伤害的方式对不对，但这的确帮助我保护我的心，因为我们的心是如此脆弱。

我也从中学习自爱……因为讨厌自己在别人眼里是那么的不堪，或被当作理所当然。

我至今不知道自己这样的想法是否正确，我不知道这是不是自己太倚靠自己……

因为朋友，最近开始回首。

究竟是否应该因为爱而毫无保留，还是应该因为选择爱自己而走开……

Heavy hands

This morning, as I felt discouragement and disheartenment creep into my heart, I was reminded of this passage.

Ex 17:10-15

10 So Joshua did as Moses said to him, and fought with Amalek. And Moses, Aaron, and Hur went up to the top of the hill. 11 And so it was, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed; and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. 12 But Moses’ hands became heavy; so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it. And Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. 13 So Joshua defeated Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword.

14 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Write this for a memorial in the book and recount it in the hearing of Joshua, that I will utterly blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven.” 15 And Moses built an altar and called its name, The-Lord-Is-My-Banner;

I guess this is what I have been feeling lately...heavy hands. there are days I feel my heart has no capacity to handle it all... 

I have been thinking a lot recently. About relationships, life, associations, people. Had a good night out today.. talking to someone about relationships again.. many many thoughts... 

Signing off here...

Toddlers

Jaime is turning 19 months in a few days' time.

I was just visiting a friend last friday who had just given birth, and it truly blows me away how my teeny weeny tiny little baby has now grown to be so tall, so big, so intelligent, responsive and expressive.

Posting up a photo to record her moments.

She has now grown in her motor skills so she's learning to pick up a few things at the same time.

Long gone are the days when she is satisfied with just one thing in one hand, now she can manage about 3 items in both hands.

but the funniest? she was in Guardian on Monday and she insisted of holding 5 boxes of sweets and both hands and stuck them so close to her chest!

It was absolutely adorable and everyone who saw it had a good laugh.

I love u so much baby! U brighten up my life so much :)

28 on 28

Someone reminded me that this year I turn 28 on the 28th. 

This birthday sneaked past me so quietly that I hardly noticed I have grown one year older - whether this is for good or for bad. 

I am way way way late for my birthday post, I usually take time every year to take stock of my life as I go into a new year, but really, I have been so busy nowadays that most things just go by me like a whirlwind, including the birthday... 

It hasn't been the happiest birthday to be honest, but let me just talk about some feelings I have had recently. 

It is now a great joy to be with the little girl at home. She can now respond and express herself though not with words, but with many of her interesting hand gestures. She is really the one that brings me a lot of joy amidst all the tiredness n sometimes heartaches I go through. 

I enjoyed having my in-laws staying in my place... I like this sense of communal living. 

Most importantly, for the past one month God has been stirring in my heart, and bringing back the memories from Hollywood and jurong west days. Sometimes it is a burden, sometimes it is a song, but 19 years in church and 5 years on staff, I have recently been reminded of the goodness of God. The burden He gave me only got stronger... And I thank God for that. I thank God His fire continues to burn within me, and in the last few months, I sense so strongly the drawing of God upon my life. 

It was a huge privilege to be interpreting for Pst during our anniversary, and it was very memorable for me. One of my greatest honor in this lifetime will be to stand on stage with these 2 great men and women of God... Their lives have touched and moved my heart so much. So much has been said about them, especially negatively, but not many know the price they have paid for the kingdom of God. Their love for God and people is enough for me. 

I have been so cooped up in the past and present I forgot to look to my future. Let me go think about it and get back here again. 

The next post might possibly be some emo post and ranting. 

Happy 28th bday XT. The days ahead of you are way more glorious than what you can imagine. :) 

The Sovereignty of God

Some thought I had recently about this topic.

It came because God has been speaking to me recently and bringing me through certain things.

Many times as a believer, I would hear people share about how God move and take them by surprise etc - meaning something happens on God's initiative.

Of course we know definitely that can happen in our lives, but I realise too often I place too much emphasis on myself.

When I do this, then this will happen.
When I do that, then that will happen.

Many things fall within my control and is a product of what I think of or experience in my quiet time.

Blame it on motherhood, but I find it more difficult to pray so consistently and in depth everyday, but what God has been doing in the last few weeks (or months) truly took me by surprise.

A few weeks ago when we were attending Emerge PM, as I interceded for the schools, I found myself getting emotional to the point of tears. It was a strange occurrence for me because it was really just a regular PM.

Same thing happened during Emerge.

What makes this experience special... was the feeling and burden I had during these meetings, were the same feelings I experienced about 10 yrs ago when God laid a burden in me for youths.

The first CG meeting after Emerge, God took me by surprise again.

He first gave me a word (and I often get a word of encouragement during CG), and as I shared it, I felt the spirit of prophecy come upon me and I started to prophesy.

I hesitated because it seemed to be too noble a prophecy to speak out in CG, but God moved so strongly in me that I couldn't resist that word. I prophesied about a coming river and revival...

Last Sunday I was in nursery and couldn't really catch the sermon. But as the worship team sang this song during ministry, teams well up in my eyes... as I was brought back to 10 yrs ago.

God started to reveal how He is a sovereign God... and He moves alone... many times independent of me... and this time He initiates many things in me...

I pray that 10 yrs later, when I have already stepped in motherhood, I know how I can and will respond to this leading of the Lord...

This song moved my heart...