it hurts.

so badly that sometimes I just want to run away.

it seems like u choose... to endure or to run away.

the former is too painful, the latter is too drastic.

when the rubber meets the road....

Jaime turns 2

These two years passed me by like a whirlwind and we ended up in pretty much of a struggle... but I think I can say, I won't exchange this for anything else. :)

Birthdays are not just a big deal for the child, except for birthday cakes. So this year, I was honestly too lazy for a birthday party.

We brought Jaime out to the zoo with her good friend Zac (and the parents), and 阿嬤，公公and叔叔came over to celebrate her birthday. Life's good just like that. We had a simple celebration in school, and she got to sing the birthday song again at my aunt's place w Gor Gor and Jie Jie (the neighbours).

Jaime's really cute nowadays since she has started learning to speak. Her vocabulary is still quite limited, usually she only says one words but they are still extremely funny to listen to. And she has now picked up words from songs so she can sing the last word.

Like...

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine

I have come to terms with the fact that God is not given me an easy, no-fuss baby and I have learnt to deal with it too. Somehow, Jaime has a lot of insecurities and fears and instead of making them going away, I just slowly learn to reassure her and help her out of it.

We have found a new equilibrium, and after Jaime has gone to school, life now seems less stressful for us as a family.

All is well.

Dear Baby,

You have transformed mummy's life, like literally literally. You are the cutest 2 year old I have ever met. Mummy loves your funny antics, how you tell me what you want, how you are paranoid over the strangest things - like hair, how you will pray for the bees every night, how you love people that are close to your heart like daddy and mummy, how you would mess up my hair every now and then, how you would pretend to be a baby, how you love singing and dancing... and the list goes on. Mummy is so in love with you. I pray you grow to be a fine young lady, who will love God, love people, and go on to live out the destiny that God has for you.

Wouldn't exchange you for anything else baby... love you sooooo much!!!

Here's a picture featuring your cheeky look!

goodbye 2014 hello 2015

凌晨三点钟可以坐在这里写文章，是一件很享受的事情。

2014 has been much kinder to me I feel.

2013 was a huge struggle... when I first transited to motherhood, having to balance everything...

I just read a mum's post, where she shared how she struggled in the earlier years... that's exactly how I feel. A lot of struggles...

这一年，我常常思考很多事情。

想搬家

想旅行

想宣教

想念书

好想 好想 好想

心中有许许多多的渴望，但心里也知道时候未到。

家里变得热闹了，但眼泪也多了，争吵也多了，我渐渐发觉我们是那么需要恩典。

没有恩典，我们又怎么可能坚持到今天……

In 2014, I really started to enjoy being a mother. Maybe because Jaime is more grown up, maybe because I have gotten used to the idea of being a mum. I just enjoy playing with her... sitting down with her... especially in these last few weeks when life has slowed down, I just enjoyed spending time with her a lot :)

It is so easy for me to look at what others have and what I don't have... that I constantly have to remind myself how blessed I am. How God has provided for us and we are not in lack. How help will always come readily to us. How somehow in the midst of all the craziness I manage to do what I do... and get a chance to serve God the way I serve God now...

I am so grateful :)

I think one thing I will really remember this year... is as a mother, I actually get to do missions with Pastor. I never thought this might be possible.. but Taiwan, Skudai is a BIG dream come true. Or rather, actually I didn't even dreamed about it... God did exceedingly abundantly above what I can think or imagine...

In spite of the ups and downs in ministry this year, I am grateful for my one decade in CG ministry! :) Woohoo... milestone accomplished...

Amidst a loss this year... God is still so so so good...

Thank You for Your grace

Thank You for You...

You are more than enough...

#goodbye2014 #hello2015

17.12.14 The ____ that was not to be

我曾想过 我是否也会走过这一段

我真的走过了

它来得快 走得也很快

快到我来不及察觉

在我还未习惯它的存在

在黑夜之中 就悄悄的走了

我相信

祂的时间

祂的计划

祂赐的未来

我相信

祂比我更懂我的未来

我相信

「我赤身出於母胎，也必赤身归回；赏赐的是耶和华，收取的也是耶和华。耶和华的名是应当称颂的。」约伯记1:21

在这之后 我更学会珍惜……

痛

I seldom talk about this, but since it's 4am in the morning.. I am entitled to think and reflect.

When we approach Jan 2015, it will be the 10th year I am being a CGL.

This year, I thought a lot about why I have become a CGL, why I am a CGL, and what keeps me going as a CGL.

To be perfectly honest, there are too many moments that I felt like giving up.

As I grow in my work capacity, and my role as a wife, mother and daughter, I find it increasingly difficult to keep on. Especially when I see friends around me slowly dropping out as leaders... I ask myself... what keeps me going? and why should I continue...

And undeniably, one huge factor that prompts me to reflect is this huge disappointment in my heart. The disappointment that my ministry doesn't turn out the way I want it to be. The disappointment that after 10 years of ministry, I don't see hundreds of people added to the house of God because of me. The disappointment of people leaving... The people that I love and care for, and personally pour my life into.. especially in the earlier years of my ministry.. it is all too hard. I have learned to stand up, shake away the dirt and move on... but the pain I still feel in my heart sometimes cannot be ignored.

Recently I have been thinking about pastoring, because of Pst Tan says... and I think that I have to rethink success in terms of ministry. I am still getting there...

And 10 years on, of course now there is the trial. I rarely chip in a word about the trial these days... because 该说的已经说了，该听的人也已经听了。

I still feel antagonized on the inside when I see Pastor, Sun and our leaders being misunderstood... I still feel it when people don't get to hear the side of their story.. I still feel it when what is being said is so different from what I experience when I am up close and personal with them... but it is also something that I cannot help or do something about... It's just this agony on the inside. 有时候我心里会呐喊，不是这样的！But I know it doesn't avail much in the natural....

A lot of thoughts as we wrap up the year...

不堪回首

最近在和朋友谈话时，勾起自己很多的回忆，也想起自己很多不堪回首的过去。

可能只有在过去7年时间，才学会坚强，自爱……

记得自己从中学开始，走过一段自己被当作理所当然的日子……有时候是因为朋友、有时候是因为男生……但因为走过一段自己在乎别人比别人在乎自己的日子……我后来学会抽离，学会衡量自己的付出。我当时开始学习在付出上有所保留，因为害怕受伤。我开始学会矜持，我渐渐走出来了。

后来，我祈求上帝给我一个爱我比我爱他多的男人，上帝真的应允了我的祷告。

我不知道自己面对伤害的方式对不对，但这的确帮助我保护我的心，因为我们的心是如此脆弱。

我也从中学习自爱……因为讨厌自己在别人眼里是那么的不堪，或被当作理所当然。

我至今不知道自己这样的想法是否正确，我不知道这是不是自己太倚靠自己……

因为朋友，最近开始回首。

究竟是否应该因为爱而毫无保留，还是应该因为选择爱自己而走开……

Heavy hands

This morning, as I felt discouragement and disheartenment creep into my heart, I was reminded of this passage.

Ex 17:10-15

10 So Joshua did as Moses said to him, and fought with Amalek. And Moses, Aaron, and Hur went up to the top of the hill. 11 And so it was, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed; and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. 12 But Moses’ hands became heavy; so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it. And Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. 13 So Joshua defeated Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword.

14 Then the Lord said to Moses, “Write this for a memorial in the book and recount it in the hearing of Joshua, that I will utterly blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven.” 15 And Moses built an altar and called its name, The-Lord-Is-My-Banner;

I guess this is what I have been feeling lately...heavy hands. there are days I feel my heart has no capacity to handle it all... 

I have been thinking a lot recently. About relationships, life, associations, people. Had a good night out today.. talking to someone about relationships again.. many many thoughts... 

Signing off here...

Toddlers

Jaime is turning 19 months in a few days' time.

I was just visiting a friend last friday who had just given birth, and it truly blows me away how my teeny weeny tiny little baby has now grown to be so tall, so big, so intelligent, responsive and expressive.

Posting up a photo to record her moments.

She has now grown in her motor skills so she's learning to pick up a few things at the same time.

Long gone are the days when she is satisfied with just one thing in one hand, now she can manage about 3 items in both hands.

but the funniest? she was in Guardian on Monday and she insisted of holding 5 boxes of sweets and both hands and stuck them so close to her chest!

It was absolutely adorable and everyone who saw it had a good laugh.

I love u so much baby! U brighten up my life so much :)

28 on 28

Someone reminded me that this year I turn 28 on the 28th. 

This birthday sneaked past me so quietly that I hardly noticed I have grown one year older - whether this is for good or for bad. 

I am way way way late for my birthday post, I usually take time every year to take stock of my life as I go into a new year, but really, I have been so busy nowadays that most things just go by me like a whirlwind, including the birthday... 

It hasn't been the happiest birthday to be honest, but let me just talk about some feelings I have had recently. 

It is now a great joy to be with the little girl at home. She can now respond and express herself though not with words, but with many of her interesting hand gestures. She is really the one that brings me a lot of joy amidst all the tiredness n sometimes heartaches I go through. 

I enjoyed having my in-laws staying in my place... I like this sense of communal living. 

Most importantly, for the past one month God has been stirring in my heart, and bringing back the memories from Hollywood and jurong west days. Sometimes it is a burden, sometimes it is a song, but 19 years in church and 5 years on staff, I have recently been reminded of the goodness of God. The burden He gave me only got stronger... And I thank God for that. I thank God His fire continues to burn within me, and in the last few months, I sense so strongly the drawing of God upon my life. 

It was a huge privilege to be interpreting for Pst during our anniversary, and it was very memorable for me. One of my greatest honor in this lifetime will be to stand on stage with these 2 great men and women of God... Their lives have touched and moved my heart so much. So much has been said about them, especially negatively, but not many know the price they have paid for the kingdom of God. Their love for God and people is enough for me. 

I have been so cooped up in the past and present I forgot to look to my future. Let me go think about it and get back here again. 

The next post might possibly be some emo post and ranting. 

Happy 28th bday XT. The days ahead of you are way more glorious than what you can imagine. :) 

The Sovereignty of God

Some thought I had recently about this topic.

It came because God has been speaking to me recently and bringing me through certain things.

Many times as a believer, I would hear people share about how God move and take them by surprise etc - meaning something happens on God's initiative.

Of course we know definitely that can happen in our lives, but I realise too often I place too much emphasis on myself.

When I do this, then this will happen.
When I do that, then that will happen.

Many things fall within my control and is a product of what I think of or experience in my quiet time.

Blame it on motherhood, but I find it more difficult to pray so consistently and in depth everyday, but what God has been doing in the last few weeks (or months) truly took me by surprise.

A few weeks ago when we were attending Emerge PM, as I interceded for the schools, I found myself getting emotional to the point of tears. It was a strange occurrence for me because it was really just a regular PM.

Same thing happened during Emerge.

What makes this experience special... was the feeling and burden I had during these meetings, were the same feelings I experienced about 10 yrs ago when God laid a burden in me for youths.

The first CG meeting after Emerge, God took me by surprise again.

He first gave me a word (and I often get a word of encouragement during CG), and as I shared it, I felt the spirit of prophecy come upon me and I started to prophesy.

I hesitated because it seemed to be too noble a prophecy to speak out in CG, but God moved so strongly in me that I couldn't resist that word. I prophesied about a coming river and revival...

Last Sunday I was in nursery and couldn't really catch the sermon. But as the worship team sang this song during ministry, teams well up in my eyes... as I was brought back to 10 yrs ago.

God started to reveal how He is a sovereign God... and He moves alone... many times independent of me... and this time He initiates many things in me...

I pray that 10 yrs later, when I have already stepped in motherhood, I know how I can and will respond to this leading of the Lord...

This song moved my heart...

Walking in the Light

John 11:8-10

8 The disciples said to Him, “Rabbi, lately the Jews sought to stone You, and are You going there again?”

9 Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. 

10 But if one walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him.” 

This is a passage that I have been pondering about for quite some time. I couldn't really understand, what does walking in the day and night has to do with the resurrection of Lazarus. 

Today, I felt the lightbulb has lighted on the inside. 

If we read what happened before and after Jesus went to Lazarus, we get a better picture of the story. 

In verse 8, the disciples were warning Jesus. If He would go down to Judea again, He would be stoned. And if we read what happened after Lazarus rose from the dead, we would also realise, that this miracle Jesus performed was a turning point in this ministry. After this event, the Jews plotted to kill Him, and He no longer walked openly among the Jews. 

What He was really saying in verse 9-10, if I could articulate this well enough, in the context that He knew He was going to the cross... is that... 

In spite of the dangers and the circumstances, if we walk in the light of Christ, if we walk in the calling of God, we will not stumble. God will protect and guide our every step. 

On the contrary, if we do not walk in the light, if we choose to walk in darkness, then we will stumble. 

I am trying to find words for my thoughts... but this has suddenly become a revelation to me. 

Every area of our lives has to come to the light - past, present and future. If we choose to allow certain areas of our lives to be in darkness, then we will stumble and fall. And no one, young and old, is exempted from this... 

Recently, I have been very blessed when I heard someone sharing very openly about her life. I never knew one could be so open to share her struggles and experiences... and I am not one who is open to share my struggles in this way, but she has inspired me, and in some way encouraged me. 

What this passage encouraged me is also, in spite of the threats and dangers of doing what He is doing, Jesus did it anyway, knowing the best way is always to walk in the light. 

Sometimes in our lives, it is not easy sharing our problems, temptations and struggles... but in spite of it, we should... because walking in the light 是我们最好的保障。The Bible is plain - if we walk in the dark, we will stumble. Maybe not now, but one day, the things lying in the dark would catch up with us. 

I am a firm believer... that walking in the light is not just bringing before God, but also men. Doesn't mean we have to publicise it to the whole world, but it does mean that we have to be accountable to someone. This is so that we always can have someone watching our backs... the Bible says... take heed lest you fall. All of us face the danger of falling, and therefore we always need someone else (human being) to watch our backs. Also, bringing it before men helps us w our blind spots. Every one of us have blind spots. We need one another to be completely covered... 

1 John 1:7

But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.

let's choose to walk in the light, past, present and future. 

Upcoming Taiwan trip

我非常兴奋期待 因为六月终于要回到我非常非常爱的台湾！ 

当然那是我们最爱的璐璐姐结婚 这成了充分的理由 亦或应该说是借口 让我回到我所爱的这片土地

另外一点 感谢神的恩典 我为全家买的机票不算贵

而且我近期来惊然发现 因为六月的关系 大多数的饭店都客满

还好我临时找到一个地点好 价钱又合理的地方

台湾我来了 6月5-10日

Woohoo! 

Blogging journey

I have been thinking about this for some time... and was wondering if I should really seriously consider blogging again.

Life has been busy... as usual... but I find that I lack the time and discipline to reflect upon my life, and I was thinking if this is a good point to start blogging again. 

As of now I cannot decide what should be the content of my blog... How public.. How personal... 

Some things I would like to talk about: 

Reflections of life

Spiritual takeaways

Motherhood 

Thinking... :) 

辗转难眠

the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart.

胡思乱想–my ramblings

1. on weight and fat or fats

刚才在回家的路上，看到了镜子里的我。是啊，不满意的地方太多了。。。身材、肚腩、大腿、屁股。。。

可是我得到一个结论。

If I am not willing to work hard and change what I see, I have no right to complain about what I see.

减肥其实不难，但需要恒心和毅力。

多少次我多么希望自己，和那些天生就瘦、新陈代谢能力超强的人一样。

但我也发现自己真的不是这样。

我是那种什么也不吃也可能胖的人。（当然这是夸张，but u get the idea）

新的一年里，我要努力开心做自己。

我会努力的减肥，因为我觉得我需要开心。

不代表不瘦就不能开心，但现在的我，自信心大受打击。

这是自我形象的问题，起码我需要能够对镜子里的我，会心的一笑。起码我需要喜欢我所看到的自己。

#dontjudgeme

2. on 对错

最近和朋友聊天的时候提起，我们的人生，什么时候变得那么复杂？

突然之间，我感觉是非变模糊。

我再也不知什么是完全的是、什么是完全的非。

特别关于人事物。尤其是人事物。

我其实不想活在这样的环境里，但我明白，这是长大的过程。

多希望自己无需面对这些情况。。。但这是人生。

#perspectives #growingup

So.. say hello to 2014 :)

So… 2014 has officially started.

What an eventful year.

I have been telling people… motherhood has changed me… in ways beyond my wildest imagination.

What I can see is many tangible things I have lost…. freedom… space etc…

What I cannot see is what I have gained… that is so intangible but real…

Perhaps God is teaching me, the best things in life cannot be measured by physical or material results. It is felt with the heart. I do feel it in my heart.

For 2014:

I want to prosper… body soul and spirit.

Body:

1. Eating Clean

2. Exercising regularly!

Soul:

1. Books, books and books!

Spirit:

Self explanatory…

Welcoming u 2014! It’s gonna be an awesome yr!

Perspectives, perspectives, perspectives.

最近一直在思考这词，英文比较贴切 - perspectives.

想了想，我发现有多事情都是角度观点的问题。

你看事情的观点、你看事情的角度、你是戴着哪一副眼镜去看事情。

最近发现，其实人类非常善变。

我们若选择倚靠人类，终究难免会失望。

难怪只有上帝可以说，祂昨日、今日直到永远的是一样的。

同时我也必须检查自己的生活，说真的，我生命有哪一些东西真正是不变的。

有哪一些人真正是不变的。

亦或这么说，有哪一些人、友谊或关系是我要珍惜，带入永恒的。

#foodforthought

沉重的心...

刚刚收到一位中学好友的电话，打来的目的是要确认我是否会参加她的婚礼...当然会啦！很开心看到他们俩有情人终成眷属...

但我又刚刚打开脸书...看到另一个朋友的po文... 她最近接到消息...孩子保不住... 

我心好沉重... 

the fragility of life... 

to-blog-again

已经有好一段时间没有写文章了。有点想念文字...拼写文字。发布感言...

自己其实不是个喜欢张扬的人，我发现。

原本应该是 I 的性格...但生活圈子却越来越小。

我想这到底是好事坏事。

生活稀释到只剩下几样东西...但确实希望这一次都能做好。

希望做得少，也能够做得更好。

po上一些贝鼻的照片。

这个孩子长得太快了...
迈入第九个月...

悼念翁乔治牧师

我和翁牧师从未认识，或许有过一面之缘，一直都隐隐约约的认识这个人，因为他是华文教会中赫赫有名的牧师。但只有在周六听闻他过世的噩耗时，我才真正去认识他。

有趣的是，我和他三个孩子都有交集。曾和他儿子在同个牧区服事，长女是我以前儿童教会的老师，小女儿更是在去年的SOT里认识而成了朋友。没想到，自己在不知不觉的情况，也和他的家人有了关系。

今天参加追思礼拜时，心情很是沉重。虽然难过，就如圣经所说，我们不像没有指望的人忧伤一样，忧伤归忧伤，但仍旧有盼望。感谢上帝，我们有荣耀的盼望，死亡就不那么可怕，但是身边的人离开我们，纵然会心痛难过，特别是康牧师和耀珊。

我今晚有极大的荣幸，在翁牧师的追思礼拜上做翻译，想了想，上帝真的恩待了我。我是何等人，配得这样的机会...我思考他在新加坡和马来西亚的教会里所带来的贡献，心中就感动不已，他就是一位为神国度舍命的仆人。

这也就是神的国度。他几十年的服事，我看到他的果子和影响力。我们即便能在这生中多么成功，但要如何衡量成功？今天我明白...success is about significance. 他的影响力...他留下来的会存留到永恒。

This is what it means to live for God, and to live for eternity. I learnt such a precious lesson today.

提后4：6-7
我现在被浇奠，我离世的时候到了。
那美好的仗我已经打过了，当跑的路我已经跑尽了，所信的道我已经守住了。

翁牧师，安息主怀。相信你在天上的赏赐是大的。你在这地上撒下的种子必定开花结果。