痛

I seldom talk about this, but since it's 4am in the morning.. I am entitled to think and reflect.

When we approach Jan 2015, it will be the 10th year I am being a CGL.

This year, I thought a lot about why I have become a CGL, why I am a CGL, and what keeps me going as a CGL.

To be perfectly honest, there are too many moments that I felt like giving up.

As I grow in my work capacity, and my role as a wife, mother and daughter, I find it increasingly difficult to keep on. Especially when I see friends around me slowly dropping out as leaders... I ask myself... what keeps me going? and why should I continue...

And undeniably, one huge factor that prompts me to reflect is this huge disappointment in my heart. The disappointment that my ministry doesn't turn out the way I want it to be. The disappointment that after 10 years of ministry, I don't see hundreds of people added to the house of God because of me. The disappointment of people leaving... The people that I love and care for, and personally pour my life into.. especially in the earlier years of my ministry.. it is all too hard. I have learned to stand up, shake away the dirt and move on... but the pain I still feel in my heart sometimes cannot be ignored.

Recently I have been thinking about pastoring, because of Pst Tan says... and I think that I have to rethink success in terms of ministry. I am still getting there...

And 10 years on, of course now there is the trial. I rarely chip in a word about the trial these days... because 该说的已经说了，该听的人也已经听了。

I still feel antagonized on the inside when I see Pastor, Sun and our leaders being misunderstood... I still feel it when people don't get to hear the side of their story.. I still feel it when what is being said is so different from what I experience when I am up close and personal with them... but it is also something that I cannot help or do something about... It's just this agony on the inside. 有时候我心里会呐喊，不是这样的！But I know it doesn't avail much in the natural....

A lot of thoughts as we wrap up the year...