i m upset, frustrated and confused.

different people saying different things, opinions varying.

wad and who?

i dunno.

i knew that openness n transparency is the key.

n i want it to stay that way.

i want to have that trust n keep that trust.

i treasure it.

God, take us out of this. i really dun like it.

eugene's new hair. had lunch with him on monday.

a big thank you to my cg members! love u guys. really really appreciate the thought.

i forgot to say. my 2 latest wants.

1. xiao zhu's new book. i really really like it. and i believe in the principle of sowing and reaping.

2. xiao zhu's concert tix. i really wanna watch it. gee.

went to ms clarity cafe and had dinner with chan eng on wed. ate escargots for the first time! was literally forced by her. it tasted jus ok. not as gross as i imagine. haha.

but we had a great talk. n yes, my dear, the post was not intended for u. but it had an interesting effect though.

glad u told me all those stuff. love ya.

that's all for tonight. i m nice! haaha. to give u all an interesting updates. :)

recently i m just too lazy to blog. i noe.

my exams r coming. but really i dun have a sense of urgency. someone take a hammer n whack my head pls. **ZZzzzz**

过了这么多天，我昨天终于拿小猪的书来读。

fang说，我听起来像个比她还着迷的fans。我说，我不是粉丝。

喜欢小猪，不单单因为他会唱歌跳舞，喜欢他的谦卑，他的热情，他的冲刺。

我仰慕的，不是那些成功的人，而是那些曾经摔倒，再次爬上来的人。

是的。he's my inspiration.

所以我好想参加他第一次巡回售票演唱会。

在地铁上，我忍着眼泪。

到了最后一章，我哭了。

他说，亲情是他的弱点，我发现，这也是我的弱点。

尴尬的擦着眼泪。

心里说，小猪，谢谢你。

i forgot to add.

it's all about making a difference.

i was impacted by wad pst said on tues.

and i was so afraid to confront this.

but now. let's pray for it.

REvival.

i thought i had to blog sth. but i dunno wad. :)

had a nice dinner with chan eng on wed's night. ms clarity cafe is a nice place. i ate escargots! it's jus ok but the color looked gross. will update pics soon.

my exams is coming up very soon. gee. i m scared. (not really la.)

hmm.. i think that is abt all.

i noe this is a very nothing post. sry frens.

dear ken, jia you ok? n dun be so easily irritated la.

u write chinese beautifully too.

sun rocks.

i m really. very tired.

n i dunno y. but my mind is bogged down by cg, sch work, my life and i think that is abt enough for me to think.

and i dunno y. this sem i m kinda overwhelmed by sch work. it's not like i cannot handle it. but it does give me a certain amount of stress.

and everytime i hit the bed, i jus sleep on n on.

for all the stress in the day.

sorry that i din react well. i m really tired.

and i have exams in 3 wks time. and 1 more presentation. 2 more papers.

and i have many things i want to do. in the cg

yes xiaoting, tell urself, u can do it.

these guys r the ones i spend time with every weekend. they r such fun ppl to hang out with.
3 "hunks"? :P
身价不菲的weijian
i like this pic very much.
they look like 2 gangsters.

jian guang looks nice here! haah.
cute.
i wanted to capture this moment.
and i thot we shld have a picture of our dinner tog.

nice feel hor.

celebrating jeremy's birthday at east coast park. 12++ am. haah.

after our east coast challenge. do the guys look cool? i think so. :)

i like this pic. :) e357.
xue min is funny. ha.

3 times at ECP on 2 days. i guess that is quite crazy.

我需要突破。当我以为这场仗是稳赢了后，总会有突发状况。

我希望我不是孤独的。我不要孤军作战。

陪我一起好吗？

我们一起并肩作战。

the strangest thing happened.

i was trying to type an English essay. and i found it awfully difficult to do so. gee.

and after one full page, it was only 490 ENGLISH words.

when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than i. :)

He gave me a verse. Ting, it's time to step out. Remember, having done all, to stand.

i may be going into hibernation. overhaul needed in my life.

look forward to a metamorphosized girl.

i hope it will happen. :)

very tempted to blog in chinese. but considering that most of u probably really cant understand, i m gonna compromise. i read a few blogs jus now, was feeling tired, wanted to catch "a few winks", but yet in the process became emo.

u noe during sot, pastor kong preached abt being a shepherd. and he said, one of the most impt things of a shepherd, is that he must be there for his sheep. as a leader and a pastor, pst kong said, u must be there for ur sheep. in times of crisis, in times of problems, u must be there for them. physically present.

and when he gave the altar call, i cried n cried n cried. becos i noe how it feels to be alone. n i rem, there i made a decision, i will be there for my sheep.

and that is y, i treasure it a lot when my members turn to me, cry over the phone, and ask me to help them. becos i think it's a priveilege. i think it's a trust.

and that is y, i have decided, that i want to be there. not just for my sheep, but for my frens as well. yes i wan u to noe, u can always turn to me, if u want to. and that's y i feel happy that ppl confide in me. becos it's a priveilege. becos that trust is precious.

to my frens n my members, i jus wan to say thank u. to those of u who trusted me and turned to me, i really m grateful. u din have to, but u did, and it is a priveilege to be your fren and to be your leader.

yulan wrote on her blog.

ppl come n ppl go.

i feel this so strongly in my life.

many have come and gone. i wonder, who will still be there?

以前，我抗拒。
现在，我发现，我不得不学着该如何接受。

i forgot to say. my 2 latest wants.

1. xiao zhu's new book. i really really like it. and i believe in the principle of sowing and reaping.
2. xiao zhu's concert tix. i really wanna watch it. gee.

yest. 2.5hrs of badminton. 15min of running. 45min of bball.

the feeling is...

shiok. beyond words.

i love it man. it din even feel like torture to exercise like that. it simply felt yummlicious. i wanna do that again.

i really dun think i want to think abt that issue.it's just not the time yet u noe?if i start,i probably wun stop.it's a stage for friendships.and the time will come.

today i read a quote that i really liked. to share with u.

One day i went out to find a friend,
But friends were nowhere to be found.
The next day i went out to be a friend,
and friends were everywhere.

Friends are seldom found, friends are usually made.

This is such a simple principle,yet so simply profound.

To have friends, my fren, you first must be a friend.

this is abt sth related, and prob not so related. sth in my heart.

someone asked me a few days ago, y m i close to certain ppl? why is it xiaoting always like to fellowship with some ppl? why is it no matter how tired and busy i am, i will definitely set time aside to spend time with some ppl? simply becos they r my frens.

my principle undergirding my friendships is very simple. i make friends sometimes becos they appear in my life at certain point of my life. Some ppl have become close to my heart becos they really pressed into my life. and these r ppl i really treasure. to me, tdy if u choose to open up ur life to me and press in, show me ur heart and "i will give u mine". i m willing to go the extra mile for u, becos friends r so impt to me.

i really treasure friendships. maybe because of the background that i grew up in, friendships has a special value in my life.

sth that i m scared of, when i pour out for a fren, and that is not reciprocrated. i totally dislike the feeling of valuing sth more than the opp party does. and when that happens, i will withdraw.

perhaps one day i may change. but for now.. it will probably be like that.

i forgot to add.

i had a great time today. u guys really light up my life.

tdy, we set off with a "huat ah!", and became "swee or!" along the way, slowly evolving to be "zai ah!", and end off the day, "cui-ed". if u noe wad i m toking abt.

i love my life.

i wanted to come home, change, pray and sleep, without switching on my com. but i failed. haha. i guess i have to blog abt this.

tdy's service was jus simply amazing. i love pst's msg. it jus put sth in me to get up and run all over again. and one of the best revelations i had tdy is..

our circumstance is jus a cycle of events. but the Bible said, having done all, to stand. many ppl get attached to their circumstances and go along with it. but our circumstances r jus cycles of events. we r not supposed to get attached to our circumstances and go along with it! but we r to stand firm on Christ our rock!

what a revelation!

so i shld not be attached to my hurts, disappointments, discouragements, failures.becos they r jus part of the cycle. but having done all, i must stand.

yes xiaoting!

the word encouraged me so much.

and i love u pastor for the great word.

and i love u God. for the timely word. You knew i needed this. thank you.

i m a happy girl.

i am enjoying my no 24 bus rides home. thanx. :)

as a leader, many times u will let ppl into ur life, but sooner or later, u will realise, as a person, pple come n go. frens come n go.

m i sad? definitely.

do i regret? no i don't.

like wad meiyan said, it is a priveilege to serve these ppl. and i agree so.

listening to her voice, watching her videos, tears flowed and flowed and flowed. i m so proud of u. hope that u can really feel it.

我要被这个assignment逼疯了。

今天上课发生了一件很劲爆的事，那就是蓝老师今天带他女朋友来上课，还我们一伙人都无法专心，因为我们花了好长时间在想，这个人到底是谁，而且不断揣测，结果老师还不是自己介绍她，哈哈。我们白下功夫。

虽然她看起来很小，但是，她看起来很聪明，在法国念书leh。真不愧是蓝老师的女朋友。。还在世界文化遗产保护中心工作，能讲一口流利的法语，真得很厉害。我实在很羡慕。

我有很多话想对你说，但是一见到你，却什么也说不出口。不知该说什么，不知该从何说起。

不知道从什么时候

我开始害怕信任

开始害怕付出

开始害怕做梦

不知从什么时候开始

我失去了飞翔的勇气

我需要找回 当初的勇敢。当初的理想。

我需要再次飞翔。

i m really not supposed to be blogging here. i m supposed to hold on dearly to my 台湾政治史and treat it like it's the most impt book after my bible. muahahaha.

今天，和往常一样，我真的不想再一次来上这堂课。奇怪的是，七点多我就睁开了眼睛，奇迹，我竟然这么早就醒了。想了想，我们去上课吧。虽然真的已经非常非常迟，但是，这一堂课让我感慨很多。突然我了解，为什么我身在南大，对南大的归属感也增加了一层。

记得，当初要来南大时，老师们似乎不赞成这个决定。他们对很多人，很多制度有意见。我也被他们稍稍的影响，带着某种偏见来到学校。直到现在，我还不知道老师们是否对，但是，突然间我觉得，这一点也不重要了。对我而言，最重要的，应该是，我从南大离开，带着满满的知识，满满的成长，满满新的思想，不管是什么制度，还是什么人，现在都已经没有这么重要了。

我很开心当初作了这个决定，更有种，嗯，晓亭，你对了的感觉。我想，我应该会更珍惜这一年半的时光。现在，还不会太迟吧。

i din noe y. but i promise, without understanding the situation, i still will do it. you did it all to protect me right? i still dun understand. how i can be so naive n gullible at times. and i still think i am. and i still think, it's really not the time yet. till i learn.

信任和不信任之间，这条线在哪里？
保护自己和接纳别人之间，这条线在哪里？

i hope u r not like wad i think u r. i hope that 我没有看错你，好吗？i hope that u r different. really.

i was supposed to stay up and study, then wake up for lesson.

and guessed wad?

i slept like nobody's business.

xiaoting y r u so tired?

i have no idea.

thank you.

it made everything worthwhile.

i m glad. so glad.

i feel misunderstood.

i feel like wad i want to say is not conveyed, or ppl r not catching it.

我觉得我有满肚子的苦水，我不知道要往哪里吐。

我多么希望你会明白，it's really not about me, it's about ur relationship with God.

i wish u will just get it.

昨天在和fang讲话，讲到很迟，but i felt it was a fruitful conversation. :)

正好在想，前一阵子，我真的还蛮失落的。

或许有时候，得到的，和预期的不一样，会让人有种莫名的失落感。

那段时期我很不开心，不是因为你所做的事情，而是我非常惊讶，为什么这么快，就有人能代替我们在你心目中的位子？

我并不介意你交朋友。。但是，那种被人替代的滋味，很不好受。直到今天，我还是这么觉得的。

我一直觉得联络少了，沟通少了，或许你没有察觉吧，但我总是认为，有人慢慢的，在你的生命中，取代了我们。

或许我太严格，太苛刻了。我也不知道。但是，总有一种失落感。

你知道吗？如果今天换成是别人，我早就走了。但是我很珍惜我们的友谊，很珍惜我们之间的共同回忆，才会按捺住这种心情，继续和你联络。

one thing that i really dun like, is that sth matters to me, more than it matters to u. really, if it was somebody else, i would have withdrawn. but becos it is you. n you have pressed into my life. and for that, i m willing to press in once more. but i dunno for how long.

i jus hope, things can go back to what it is before. can it?

dear fren,

somebody told me, it's just a passing phase. n i certainly do hope so. i did mention to u, that things seem to be "less happening" around us then before, and it seems like u r more willing, and happier spending time with ur new found frens. i really dun mind. but like wad i said, i felt like i m being replaced. yes, u have issues and problems to settle, i know that, and i really dun mind that. i wish u will know that. but i m just sad that u dun seem to turn to us anymore, and u dun seem to treasure us as much as before. have we become less impt? i suddenly feel so.

i dun wan to be emo in dealing with this issue, but i m disappointed, and that is a fact. i dun wan to tell u, becos i dunno what u will think and how it will affect u, and i dun wan u to be affected. but that, my fren, cannot change the fact that i m really kinda sad about this whole thing. it seems like we lost that transparency and closeness, but i do hope we can get it back. and i wish, u will press into my life once more, just like how u did, right from the beginning.

love,
xiaoting

爱上听华语流行歌。在电脑上播放着许多歌曲，让我有着一种抒情的感觉。重新爱上华语流行音乐。

友人问我，不听英语歌的吗？不是不听，是少听吧。华语歌曲有种亲切感，有种贴近我的心的感觉。

刚读完sammi的专访，发现原来他也是基督徒。很开心。我一直都很喜欢她和郑秀珍，更开心她们也认识上帝。well i will see them in heaven one day! haha.

now i realised.

certain things, when MY shared with me abt it, i could not really understand. somehow it's all beginning to come to light. i think i m really beginning to understand.

associations. is so impt.

u r kinda missed. come back soon.

and happy 21st birthday lim yang.

get married ya?can't wait to see minyi in a gown.hee.

had a good time hanging out with sam n pam last night though. watched nanny diaries. the show that i desperately want to watch. but i thot it was a let down. other than chris evans. but i only saw him like 3 times in the movie. haaha. it was a weird combination, sam pam n me. but sam was very nice la. and i thot the HK cafe was not bad too.

and it's amazing to see how SMU transformed a person. i m quite happy to be slacking in NTU. haha.