and it goes on and on and on

Today was one of the longest days in my life...

the non-stop taking care of Jaime.. hearing her whines and demands...

sometimes i asked myself when would the break come...

only to find that God will keep enlarging me in this process...

"I don't ask God for lesser burdens, but broader shoulders to bear the burdens"

Help me Lord...

On the matters of the heart

We had a very powerful leaders' meeting w Sun last Tues, and I was completely blessed.

Sun shares very differently, but her sharing always has the ability to make me reflect and think.

She shared about the heart and said... (XT paraphrased)

"As leaders, we are sometimes so good at monitoring our external behaviour, and we neglect the monitoring of our heart.

But what is more impt is the monitoring of our heart instead of our behaviour...

because if we neglect it, eventually our hearts will catch up w our behaviour."

We need to be in sync... inside out, outside in.

And at the end she prayed something along this line...

God, give us the courage, security and introspection to see our heart's true inward condition...

I realise in order for us to become what God wants us to be, we first must be willing to face up to who we really are.

And it's really not easy isn't it?

We have so many mistakes, failures, bad attitudes, sin in our lives that we are just so afraid of owning up to who we really are...

but only when we do that, then we can truly be free, and be who God wants us to be...

God I pray I will always have the courage to face up to who I am, my true heart condition - good, bad and ugly... so that I can be who You want me to be...

it hurts.

so badly that sometimes I just want to run away.

it seems like u choose... to endure or to run away.

the former is too painful, the latter is too drastic.

when the rubber meets the road....

Jaime turns 2

These two years passed me by like a whirlwind and we ended up in pretty much of a struggle... but I think I can say, I won't exchange this for anything else. :)

Birthdays are not just a big deal for the child, except for birthday cakes. So this year, I was honestly too lazy for a birthday party.

We brought Jaime out to the zoo with her good friend Zac (and the parents), and 阿嬤，公公and叔叔came over to celebrate her birthday. Life's good just like that. We had a simple celebration in school, and she got to sing the birthday song again at my aunt's place w Gor Gor and Jie Jie (the neighbours).

Jaime's really cute nowadays since she has started learning to speak. Her vocabulary is still quite limited, usually she only says one words but they are still extremely funny to listen to. And she has now picked up words from songs so she can sing the last word.

Like...

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine

I have come to terms with the fact that God is not given me an easy, no-fuss baby and I have learnt to deal with it too. Somehow, Jaime has a lot of insecurities and fears and instead of making them going away, I just slowly learn to reassure her and help her out of it.

We have found a new equilibrium, and after Jaime has gone to school, life now seems less stressful for us as a family.

All is well.

Dear Baby,

You have transformed mummy's life, like literally literally. You are the cutest 2 year old I have ever met. Mummy loves your funny antics, how you tell me what you want, how you are paranoid over the strangest things - like hair, how you will pray for the bees every night, how you love people that are close to your heart like daddy and mummy, how you would mess up my hair every now and then, how you would pretend to be a baby, how you love singing and dancing... and the list goes on. Mummy is so in love with you. I pray you grow to be a fine young lady, who will love God, love people, and go on to live out the destiny that God has for you.

Wouldn't exchange you for anything else baby... love you sooooo much!!!

Here's a picture featuring your cheeky look!

goodbye 2014 hello 2015

凌晨三点钟可以坐在这里写文章，是一件很享受的事情。

2014 has been much kinder to me I feel.

2013 was a huge struggle... when I first transited to motherhood, having to balance everything...

I just read a mum's post, where she shared how she struggled in the earlier years... that's exactly how I feel. A lot of struggles...

这一年，我常常思考很多事情。

想搬家

想旅行

想宣教

想念书

好想 好想 好想

心中有许许多多的渴望，但心里也知道时候未到。

家里变得热闹了，但眼泪也多了，争吵也多了，我渐渐发觉我们是那么需要恩典。

没有恩典，我们又怎么可能坚持到今天……

In 2014, I really started to enjoy being a mother. Maybe because Jaime is more grown up, maybe because I have gotten used to the idea of being a mum. I just enjoy playing with her... sitting down with her... especially in these last few weeks when life has slowed down, I just enjoyed spending time with her a lot :)

It is so easy for me to look at what others have and what I don't have... that I constantly have to remind myself how blessed I am. How God has provided for us and we are not in lack. How help will always come readily to us. How somehow in the midst of all the craziness I manage to do what I do... and get a chance to serve God the way I serve God now...

I am so grateful :)

I think one thing I will really remember this year... is as a mother, I actually get to do missions with Pastor. I never thought this might be possible.. but Taiwan, Skudai is a BIG dream come true. Or rather, actually I didn't even dreamed about it... God did exceedingly abundantly above what I can think or imagine...

In spite of the ups and downs in ministry this year, I am grateful for my one decade in CG ministry! :) Woohoo... milestone accomplished...

Amidst a loss this year... God is still so so so good...

Thank You for Your grace

Thank You for You...

You are more than enough...

#goodbye2014 #hello2015