断了
是否意味着应该放手了

there is a time, there is a season for everything under the sun.

i promised my reflections. but i have not done it yet. it truly did not feel like birthday. not that i m complaining. it's jus that i lost that hype about turning a yr older and stuff.

many compromised. as u get older, it is as if we will compromise more n more. and i saw many who did that. i dun wan to. i m afraid i will jus be another mediocre person thru life, leaving behind my dreams n aspirations. i have not maximised my potential yet. this will be my dream always

reflections

tdy is my 20th birthday. but this yr's bday feels different. n i dunno y. it jus din feel like it is a big thing. usually i will get very excited over my birthday, especially when i turn the big 2 today. but it din feel like it.

nevertheless, i had a great time tdy. (((:

a big thank u to all who remembered and took the effort to wish me happy birthday. ur thoughts n ur love is much appreciated. i m reminded of the love n the friendships i have and i m thankful.

big thanks to chan eng for accompanying me tog and for being so lame. i cant believe we did it. haah.

this how i spent my day. i spent the first hour reading john grisham's book. and i woke up real early to do my translation. den i was half hour late for my movie lake hse. it was kinda nice. i like sandra bullock n keanu reeves. and i spent the rest of the day at wild wild wet like a real silly kid. but i enjoyed myself. will do my reflections later. (:

我好想要。。

一天的期待
换来一刻的空等待。
眼泪不住 掉下。
遮掩
希望你看不见
更希望自己看不见

遮掩那一刻的空虚无奈
还有那按捺不住的落寞
我希望
我期待
我抛开

等待着那份温暖
守护着那份希望

我好想要。。
我要的你却无法给。

just felt like blogging.

after trapping myself from shopping for ages, i had my fair share this week. i did it like on sunday, monday, wednesday. aint that madness? haha. n i was looking for my dream bag. but i really could not find one. gee. aiyah i also dunno wad to blog anymore. so forget it. haah.

tired and blogging.

walked for a whole day tdy. m dead beat but satisfied. buying nice things that i like really satisfies me.

tdy was in service. when they were playing the taiwan emerge video, i cried. i was so overwhelmed and i jus think it is so amazing. esp when pst was prophesying. i jus felt the presence of God so strong. i jus wan to say. i m so glad that i m part of city harvest, so glad that God placed me and called me here. God thank u thank u thank u. for calling me to this place. thank u.

i love u, love the church n the leaders and SUN. she is jus amazing. i love everything u have done thru us and thru her and i love her so much. n i love u LORD.

总觉得现在要带上的帽子，好像太大，太不适合我了。我常常会这么做。 我会因为害怕，害怕失败，害怕做不到，而宁可守在安全区里。应该是我跟天上的爸爸说了什么，突然间我需要做的事都需要我 step out.

God i have always been scared. scared that i cant do it. scared that i m not good enough. n i guess it is enough. it is time to get out of these silly thoughts. becos. i will nv say i cant becos u say u can.

but Lord, it is really this period of time that i need u. i jus simply cant do it without u. i cant live without u, serve without u, lead without u. n Lord i need u to be here. Holy Spirit i dun wan to do it on my own. n i m so afraid one day u will leave me powerless. Holy Spirit dun. God.. dun take away the Holy Spirit away from me. you said, apart from me, u can do nothing. i noe. i noe. i cant do anything without u.

总觉得现在要带上的帽子，好像太大，太不适合我了。我常常会这么做。 我会因为害怕，害怕失败，害怕做不到，而宁可守在安全区里。应该是我跟天上的爸爸说了什么，突然间我需要做的事都需要我 step out.

God i have always been scared. scared that i cant do it. scared that i m not good enough. n i guess it is enough. it is time to get out of these silly thoughts. becos. i will nv say i cant becos u say u can.

but Lord, it is really this period of time that i need u. i jus simply cant do it without u. i cant live without u, serve without u, lead without u. n Lord i need u to be here. Holy Spirit i dun wan to do it on my own. n i m so afraid one day u will leave me powerless. Holy Spirit dun. God.. dun take away the Holy Spirit away from me. you said, apart from me, u can do nothing. i noe. i noe. i cant do anything without u.

pirates!

i dunno if u feel the same way as i do but i always get this tremendously satisfied feeling when i watch a great movie. n this is how i m feeling right now. many told me how fantastic this movie is n it is worth watching.. man do i not agree with it. it's jus absolutely stunning.

i love the scriptwriter, the producer, the director and whoever else involved and of cos, we all love johnny depp and jack sparrow. ha. i m so glad i watched 1 and now pirates 2. pst kong once said that all of us have 7 areas of our souls we nd to fulfill - and i did tdy! i think it is the aesthetic part of me, but seriously, i feel so fulfilled right now. haa.

it is sooooo recommended by me and i din think i was somebody who like such movies. but i m starting to cultivate a taste for it. and i think i m gg to embark on translation. (:

miss kuhlman

in case u din noe, i m a lover of biographies. i love to read bout how people's lives unfold, for deep within me i m always amazed by what man can achieve -- when they put their mind to it.

i love Benny Hinn's book -- Good morning Holy Spirit. it is one of the best books i ever read. and recently, i jus started embarking on kathryn kuhlman's biography. she is an amazing woman. i m not going to touch on that, but sth touched me deeply from the book.

love is my motivator. the book talks about how miss kuhlman will cry when she sees how God touches and mends lives. u noe y she is so successful in her ministry? becos love is her motivator. she is so broken. she loves the Holy Spirit so much and she loves people.

God uses imperfect people. no matter how u r like, as long as u love Him and want Him, and u love the Holy Spirit, and u r willing to pay the price, nothing is impossible for u.

break me Lord..

sth larger than myself

tdy i went to chec. a long time in many months. i enjoyed my days there. went to pick up my translation stuff. n u noe wad? i felt like sth within me was turned on. like God flicking a switch within me. this is wad i m supposed to be living for.

when i was younger, i used to think that i cant do much n there is only so much i can do for God. but now i realise, i m older, and i m 20. jus one or two days ago, i said, i feel like i m being forced to grow up. Part of me still wants to be that little HC ger in that little brown uniform.

suddenly i feel like my eyes opened.

come on i got to stop thinking that way. i got to stop living in the past. he who dwells in the past has no future. and it is no use people telling me since i m young, ting u have a great destiny in God.

you noe wad? i know i have a great destiny in God. I know that God has called me for sth greater. I know he wants me to go to china. i know he has called me for sth larger than myself. n i wan to live it. i dun wan to stay in that little small girl, with no dreams no visions, jus trying to live a day at a time.

ting rise up and grow up! come on live out ur destiny in God! stop living in ur comfort zone! stop being so limited! come on wun u do sth great for God today???

i wan to live for china. i wan to go for missions. i wan to preach the gospel. i wan to impact thousands and thousands of lives out there. i wan to do sth great for God!

think big act big talk big cos u have a BIG GOD!

if i have 8 hours to chop down the tree, i will spend 6 sharpening my axe.

i just got to say this. 小猪 is amazing! i kind of like him, but he always sprouts nonsense. but! when i saw him playing the drums, i m amazed by his talents. (:

i forgot that i wanted to say this.

i will rather be in the ark putting up with all the stinking smell than to be drowning outside in the flood.

jus recently, certain events made me realise how good God has been to me.

i discovered that all along since young, becos i grew up in church, i have always been living in a protected environment. it is not a bad thing really. but yet God has prepared me for the world. when i stepped in, recently especially, den did i realise things can get pretty ugly. i think pst robb said, if u r pretty, but ur character is ugly, den u become pretty ugly. haah. i think that is funny.

but i realise that the world out there is really dark. i cant imagine working in a place with a lot of politics and strife. i have been protected. but i think i m learning. but i still havent decided wad i wan to do next time. Daddy u will lead me.

i m growing up. i dun wan to. i said it before, it feels like i m being forced to grow up. but i jus got to learn to accept every season and every opportunity that comes my way.

isn't it scary to relate to people u dun really know and having to trust them knowing that at the end of the day they can hurt u? that is y i love the hse of God. becos things r jus so uncertain out there. u dun really know who u can trust and who u can believe and u dun really know wad is going on in their minds isn't it? they may be saying one thing but meaning another. saying something and thinking another. God u r jus amazing. becos u love all these people!

i m so tired. sooooo tired.

trapped in the lift.

nope, not me. i was not the one who was trapped.

when i was walking home tdy, these 2 china guys were trapped in the lift while they were moving hse. n guess wad? in half an hour, i saw really amusing things i nv thot i will see.

we called the lift maintenance to come n they took a really long time. half an hour?

in the half an hour that we were waiting, the 2 interesting guys were really panicky. they told us they could not breathe.. and they were really, in simple words, gan cheong. really gan cheong. and i realised they were scared. really scared.

people r afraid to die arent they?

i m filled. to the brim. a bit stressed. but i noe i can. i jus need Him.

recently was a bit stressed. ken n weijian will testify to that. cos i talked non stop while eating prata with them. n seriously people, dun go to simpang bedok! there is really nth there. but my dear boys (ken n weijian), i wan u all to noe.. u guys have been fantastic. and u have been a blessing in my life much more than u can imagine. i love every dinner and supper with u guys.

n recently i have silly dreams. since last sat. i dreamed about pastor. dreamed about MAKING PHONE CALLS. dreamed about my cg members. dreamed about germany n italy match! i had my own game in my dreams. dreamed about my boss. (it was not the nicest dream, yes boss i dreamed about u).

i need so much more of You.

trapped in the lift.

nope, not me. i was not the one who was trapped.

when i was walking home tdy, these 2 china guys were trapped in the lift while they were moving hse. n guess wad? in half an hour, i saw really amusing things i nv thot i will see.

we called the lift maintenance to come n they took a really long time. half an hour?

in the half an hour that we were waiting, the 2 interesting guys were really panicky. they told us they could not breathe.. and they were really, in simple words, gan cheong. really gan cheong. and i realised they were scared. really scared.

people r afraid to die arent they?

i m filled. to the brim. a bit stressed. but i noe i can. i jus need Him.

recently was a bit stressed. ken n weijian will testify to that. cos i talked non stop while eating prata with them. n seriously people, dun go to simpang bedok! there is really nth there. but my dear boys (ken n weijian), i wan u all to noe.. u guys have been fantastic. and u have been a blessing in my life much more than u can imagine. i love every dinner and supper with u guys.

n recently i have silly dreams. since last sat. i dreamed about pastor. dreamed about MAKING PHONE CALLS. dreamed about my cg members. dreamed about germany n italy match! i had my own game in my dreams. dreamed about my boss. (it was not the nicest dream, yes boss i dreamed about u).

i need so much more of You.

good morning Lord!

i woke up at 6 plus am tdy! man i love it. i really like waking up at this time. cos i feel that in the morning it is really beautiful. if i have time before i go work i shall pack up my room beautifully n keep it in a good state. i realise that having a neat room makes ur moods better. really. at least for me.

昨天走路回家时，脑子里有许多要写出来的感觉。这几天感触很多。

星期天我又回到了east coast.
我真的爱上了骑脚踏车。
我喜欢在车上驰骋的感觉
我喜欢逆风而行，风打在脸上的感觉。
我喜欢沿海而飞的感觉。（：
i will be back there again soon. cant resist it.

之后和一个老朋友见面，感觉真好。ahma我好爱你！看到你真得让我没有压力，虽然我们俩要烦恼的事有很多，但是就聚在一起说话，谈心，就是很棒的一件事。

我从parkway走路回家。有人说这是极度疯狂的举动。会吗？对我而言，它再普遍不过了。

我是一个很喜欢走路的人。
非常喜欢可以慢慢地走，自由的走。
那晚十点多。
走在路上，路上没什么人，电话刚好又没电。
一个人走着，祈祷着，和他说话着。
好美妙的感觉。

我喜欢他赐给我的这双脚。
因为他们会带我走到全世界。
他们不只会走在小岛国里，
他们也会带我踏上大陆的土地。
他们会带我走上世界各地，走到天涯海角。
直到地极。直到地极。

他们更会带我走过一生的风与浪，晴天和雨天。
我会一直走下去。keep walking.

我喜欢守承诺的人。喜欢守承诺的男人。所以我好爱他。

xiaoting

ok. n i shall do the post about myself. let's see how much i noe myself k.

i m a person who is weird. haah. weird as in i have weird ideas going on in my head n i love to do weird things. out of the world things. i can insist on eating sth every single day n really eat it. haah. i can like to eat sth very much n every day eat it. n for that, i call it 执著。我是一个很执著的人。when i have set my mind on sth, pple know, i will do it.

我是一个轻言放弃，却不容易放弃的人。haah. i always tok about giving up, but i seldom do. it is not a good thing. i shld stop that.. but probably the good thing is i only say but dun do that. i m determined and i persevere. most of the time.

i go where my heart leads me n i seldom worry bout how pple think of me. if i feel that sth is wad i wan, i will do it, no matter wad pple say. i dun like to do things to please pple. i dun like to dress to please. i love to be myself. n one of the reasons sometimes i dress weirdly becos i dun wan to come to a place in which i feel like i must fit in, and that to be accepted i mus be "normal". so i choose to be abnormal at times.

i love being myself. i dun like to be somebody pple think i shld be. not that i insist on doing my own things becos i noe many times i can be wrong. but i dun wan to be a blind follower. for wad i do, i mus noe the purpose behind the things that i do, and then i will do it well.

i love to discover. i love to know more. more about the world and all that it contains. there is so much in it! i m jus so amazed by God's creation. i m intrigued by man. not like male.. but all of human kind. we r such amazing creatures.. isnt it?

i love to lead, to inspire, to see lives change, to see myself make a difference. i love to help pple with no strings attached. haah. i jus simply love to bless in small little ways..

i m not easily satisfied. contented yes.. but satisfied, no. deep within me there is a craving n a longing for so much more. like the song says.. all of creation is longing.. for ur unveiling of power. that is how i feel within me.

and too much more that i m jus too tired to say it all.

总觉得和华文的距离越来越远，就是用华文来写出自己内心的感觉也有点怪怪的，真糟糕。

let's do it in english instead. man. i m just so not used to chinese. help me.

tdy was a crazy day. as usual. to describe my mood..? 歇斯底里。really.. i almost went bonkers with all the calling. seriously i dun understand how the telemarketers do it.. on wed when i had y music on and with pst kong preaching.. it was good. tdy wasnt.. nth really helped. except shredding paper in the office. i love it.

i remember chan eng did this post bout herself. i feel like doing it too. but before that let's jus write some stuff.

最近这一段时间，我让许多人看到我脆弱的一面，我把心打开了许多。这是我许久不曾做的。。 因为以前会认为，坚强留给别人，脆弱留给自己。发现到做人很累的一点是，我们总是不能把我们的心百分之百交给人，因为害怕伤害。可是最近我却违反了我自己的principle..我不知道这是好事还是坏事。

我一直在寻找， 在寻找。我还没找到。我知道我人生的方程式里一定有他，但是我不知道什么加什么会等于什么。我常常在想，许多人每天都一直在忙碌，他们到底在追求什么？而他们真的快乐吗？满足吗？

i m contented. but i m so not satisfied. my soul n spirit is crying out for more within me.