fake.

i m scared of pple who r fake. i m serious. i hate discovering hypocrites in my life. get thee behind me!

i hate my time being wasted.

i know it's not supposed to be reciprocrated.

but i dun owe ____ anything, do i?

i m kind of tired. to do this for ____ and to leave nothing for __ .

it doesnt feel good not to be ____________.

fill in the blanks.

thoughts and more thoughts

like what i said. i have been having a lot of thoughts lately. i hope i can blog them down.

to whoever that is reading this right now. this is the first time u r hearing xiaoting's dream i think. except for a few close frens, i din reveal it to anybody. and now it is. *drumroll*

when i was younger, i wanted to serve full-time one day. but when i first heard pastor preach abt the marketplace, i wanted to go into the marketplace as well. there i was. torn. i could not figure whether i should go full-time or go into the marketplace.

then i tried out different jobs. n somebody who really sparked off an idea in me was kevin. i had almost nv ever dreamed of being an entrepreneur. (i jus din think i was cut out for it) but it was him who gave me the idea and told me i have what it takes. and that was when i really started thinking. amazing how God uses pple isnt it? n kevin said sth that really impacted me. which i felt it was God speaking thru him. wow. well God uses non-believers too. He said i could start sth and become successful and let it run, while at the same time i can serve God. this implying that i could serve full-time, yet not draw a salary from the church, what's more giving to His house. i was still pondering bout it.

till a couple of weeks ago. pst mentioned this very idea in church. n God confirmed the word. i felt a sense of excitement in my heart to really be a high flier in my career yet serve God. like bro wahju (sorry i dunno how to spell his name)

tdy i was toking to my cousin. i told her my dream one day is to be so rich, that i can have houses all over asia. n whenever pastors go overseas for missionaries, i can house them. n whenever my relatives go overseas, i can house them.

we were in a cab. n when i got down, the cab driver said, 希望你的梦想实现。

and i said, 会的。

that went straight into my spirit.

when we were at sph, when i told wang lao shi n biao i wanted to be an entrepreneur, they laughed. but dear all, xiaoting has nv been one who would settle for the average, the norm, the usual. i wan the extraordinary in my life.

who said.. 中文系的学生一定要当老师，参与媒体工作？

who said.. 南大中文系不应该是你的选择？

who said.. 中文系的学生不可以出来创业，有一天成为百万富翁？

my friends, when i came to know Jesus, one thing He did, He took out the impossible in my life.

in Him, all things r possible.

and i hope my life will be a living testimony to

with man it is impossible. but with God, all things r possible.

u believe that? i do.

thoughts and ideas

i actually have alot of thots in my brain.esp after class.u jus feel like blogging.but sadly,i forgot abt them.n some of them r unsuitable to be written here.haix.i m sorry to deprive u.haah.let me jus blog some random stuff k..

a couple of posts ago, i wrote bout how much i like long ying tai. now i beg to differ. dun really like pple who use emotions to get their way. yep shan1 dong4 xing4. recently i have become lazy to type chinese. yes i have. forgive me for that frens. haah.

tdy when i saw that scene, thoughts flooded my mind n heart. i know it seems like this is not the time for it, n yet i know i have also promised you greater things. sth is tugging at my heart. i know i have high expectations, n yet within me there also lies a fear. and u noe what i m afraid of. u noe how i try to look like i dun care, but u noe deep within i do.

i m searching for my resonance.

blogging.

it's been quite a long time it seems that i m blogging. although on n off i will still put up posts. well that is a good sign. it shows that i m busy. when i m busy n tired, i really will not have the time to sit here n blog.

running out of things to say here. haah. but jus feel that recently life has been really great. many pple like to ask me, how's life? and being the xiaoting i m, who insists on being positive, i feel compelled to say it's great! which is true.. to some extents. haaah. but now if u were to ask me.. i will tell u.. life is truly great and i m loving every moment of it.

yest was toking to a fren in sch.. and she commented on how positive i was. thank God for that positive attitude. but well i guess to me, whatever i have to do, i jus have to choose to be positive or negative. and sometimes things really dun go my way.. but the fact is no matter what it is i m doing, i want to love every moment of it. one of the things i detest is to force myself to do the things i dun wan n dislike to do. i m very loyal to xiaoting. haaah. but i m truly enjoying every moment of my life.an d life with my daddy God is jus different. He holds up my world. plan my routes. light up my path. so i love you daddy God.

my GREAT BIG DADDY GOD.

what u see on the outside

alot of things happen tdy that just made me think. i was jus thinking abt how many times i always believe what things look on the outside. n in some sense, i feel that i m acty quite naive really. i told somebody before that i m really a pretty naive person. i have been in the kingdom. it's different.

there were many pple that i trusted. thot they were nice pple. but they really turn out otherwise. ying in case u r reading this, i m not jus toking bout *. and that is y i noe i really cant trust pple 100%. and tdy my eyes jus opened one more time.

i noe when i saw u, u look more perfect than what u really r. n i noe that somewhere in my heart Daddy did warn me to look beyond the surface. and i did slow things down n look carefully. with eyes in the spirit. n i saw much more. saw how u were imperfect n u were jus hu-man. but tdy i saw it all. beyond my wildest imagination, it seems as if i saw who u really r underneath that person i noe. i m not disappointed. cos i din really expect that much. but wad i read tdy, is really so far from wad i expected my fren.

and to some extent. although i say i m not, i m disappointed. i was inspired by ur dreams, ambitions and how u dare to live ur life to the fullest. n i thot u may have been able to teach me alot. but i realise there is only so much more.

i will learn.. one more time.. the hard way. not to trust pple the usual way. yes i noe Lord.

GREAT BIG DADDY GOD

Dear God, You know I want to be
A princess on a pony
Tarzan on a tree
Dear God, You know I want to have
Funky toys and Chunky shoes

Dear God, You know I want to be
The top in my class
To be a great big star
Dear God, but most of all
I want to be with You!

You're my great big daddy God
I want to sit on your shoulders
See the whole wide world
Sing and whistle down the road
Dance in your footsteps

Sing all the way home

黄城

只为那爱 我愿与你通行万里路
只为那爱 我愿与你携手向前迈步
黄城两载多短促 就算爱上了又为何不付出

i hope i got it right.

我好高兴我星期六决定要回黄城多一次。相信在我的生命里，黄城真的扮演一个重要的角色。

我一从车上下来时，就感到一股莫名的兴奋。
熟悉的楼梯 老师 朋友 人。
熟悉的食堂，central plaza, class bench.
我希望你不会厌烦
因为我会一直一直的重复 我爱华初

不知道要怎么说
但是感觉就是熟悉
开心 高兴
对黄城
终究有这么一个感觉

看到一个学长谈华初
才发现在不同人的生活里
都藏着我们对华初的一份感情 思念

i love u hwa chong. u gave me one of the most beautiful memories in my life.

i m proud to be a hwachongian.

失去了才懂得珍惜
人是否真的要失去了
才会懂得如何去珍惜

我是否在不停的被磨练
因为有时候
我真的会感觉
我或许可能真的会撑不下去
所以我真的觉得我非常需要你

当全世界 丢下了我 只剩下我一个人
你会在这里吗？

强颜欢笑
忍住泪水
多次转头让眼泪不准掉下
始终
按捺不住
在你走进去
不肯回头的那一刻
眼泪在不由自主的情况下
不听使唤
频频掉下

我并没有你认为的坚强
讨厌在陌生人面前掉泪
我讨厌在别人面前看起来脆弱
但是谁又知道
我真的并没有那么坚强

somebody told me. u r such a brave n strong girl.
i m not. really.

God i m so helpless about so many things. so many things r tugging at my heart. i noe becos u r ard, everything is going to be ok. but God, sometimes it is painful. sometimes i feel like i will bow under the pressure. sometimes i really dunno wad to do.

will u please promise me.. that no matter what happens, u will nv leave me? promise me.. that when my world threatens to crash.. u will hold it up for me wun you?

sad

daddy's leaving tml. i was actually quite ok abt it. after i prayed bout it. i knew it was a change, n in some sense for the good. but suddenly it jus hit me that i wun see my dad day in n day out. n i jus wan to say. dad i m really going to miss u. really.

till this point suddenly i jus felt like i really love my dad alot. yah he is imperfect but i noe he loves me lots. n i m gonna miss him big time. he is my joy, he constantly frustrates me.. but yet he brings joy to my life. his humour brightens me up really. 6 mths is a long time.

thank u for being a wonderful dad.

i m gonna miss u sitting there every morning, or making silly comments to wad i say. going to miss ur nagging i think. going to miss a home that i can come back to where i noe i can be who i m. where i can jus be myself. daddy i m really going to miss u. big time. love u lots.

did i tell u..

that day i was talking to a friend of mine. and we discovered that she had a pattern of liking, or shld i say xishang guys who r generally xi1 wen2. sorry i m too lz to type in chinese.

den i realise sth. i appreciate guys with shen1 du4 and depth! yah i noe i said that before somewhere in my blog. but i realise sth bout it, is that i really like pple (guys n girls alike) who have depth, who think alot, and reflect. that is what our brain for isn't it? and i m a really philosophical person la. so in everything i think.. i will jus pull it so far it becomes like philosophy. that is wad i mean in history class. haah. toking abt democracy n in the end i voiced it so far that i toked abt human beings. that basically human beings r good n bad at the same time. n becos we r imperfect. that will be no perfect system ever in the universe. becos we create the system man. sounds like deep stuff right, yah that is wad i always think DEEP within me pple. i dun always voice it out. cos pple generally dun get it and dun understand n few resonates with me in this area.

toking abt this. maybe i shall jus blog abit more. many times i have many thots but i dun voice it out. cos i think many will fail to understand, in the very first place, not many r interested to listen. abt all these silly and deep thoughts n reflections xiaoting has of the universe and of humans in nature. now u who r reading this mus think i m out of my mind. xiaoting.. y is the black hole in ur brain so big that u get sucked in so deep? so much so that u ponder abt life n humans!

i also dunno y.God created me this way! but i now i prefer to walk the walk, n not jus tok the tok.

i still appreciate guys who think, who r not himbotic, who write well.

i promise i will blog, pray, read my bible and sleep. i feel exhausted.

it is not that i din sleep enough. but my nose is really getting on me. i thot it may jus be sinus again, but apparently it's such a bad runny nose.

n i have a packed packed week ahead of me!! quizzes and quizzes.. and jus finished a 2400 word chinese essay. plus daddy leaving for china. *sobz*

we have already planned to go visit him next yr january. den i can go shopping at shen zhen n HK! yay! and i told my dad to sponsor me if i get straight 'a's. so gambetha xiao ting.

this sounds like such a bimbotic post. haah. and so unlike me. tdy i was reading long ying tai's book. and i loved it.

对她的感觉，真的是又爱又恨。爱的是她那锐利的眼光，恨的却是她有时候毫不留情批评的，可能是我，或是我处在的这一片地。但是，我还是非常欣赏她的文章。没有几个台湾认真的能写出像她这样的作品。

i believe. as long as i can walk thru the valley, there is sth greater in store for me.

我不会放弃的。我害怕放弃，害怕停滞不前。所以放弃这个字眼已不再出现。现在，最重要的是，大步大步的往前走。不要害怕。

keep me in your arms always. help me to never stop loving you. let my heart never grow cold. i will not forget you when i grow up.