辗转难眠

the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart.

胡思乱想–my ramblings

1. on weight and fat or fats

刚才在回家的路上，看到了镜子里的我。是啊，不满意的地方太多了。。。身材、肚腩、大腿、屁股。。。

可是我得到一个结论。

If I am not willing to work hard and change what I see, I have no right to complain about what I see.

减肥其实不难，但需要恒心和毅力。

多少次我多么希望自己，和那些天生就瘦、新陈代谢能力超强的人一样。

但我也发现自己真的不是这样。

我是那种什么也不吃也可能胖的人。（当然这是夸张，but u get the idea）

新的一年里，我要努力开心做自己。

我会努力的减肥，因为我觉得我需要开心。

不代表不瘦就不能开心，但现在的我，自信心大受打击。

这是自我形象的问题，起码我需要能够对镜子里的我，会心的一笑。起码我需要喜欢我所看到的自己。

#dontjudgeme

2. on 对错

最近和朋友聊天的时候提起，我们的人生，什么时候变得那么复杂？

突然之间，我感觉是非变模糊。

我再也不知什么是完全的是、什么是完全的非。

特别关于人事物。尤其是人事物。

我其实不想活在这样的环境里，但我明白，这是长大的过程。

多希望自己无需面对这些情况。。。但这是人生。

#perspectives #growingup

So.. say hello to 2014 :)

So… 2014 has officially started.

What an eventful year.

I have been telling people… motherhood has changed me… in ways beyond my wildest imagination.

What I can see is many tangible things I have lost…. freedom… space etc…

What I cannot see is what I have gained… that is so intangible but real…

Perhaps God is teaching me, the best things in life cannot be measured by physical or material results. It is felt with the heart. I do feel it in my heart.

For 2014:

I want to prosper… body soul and spirit.

Body:

1. Eating Clean

2. Exercising regularly!

Soul:

1. Books, books and books!

Spirit:

Self explanatory…

Welcoming u 2014! It’s gonna be an awesome yr!

Perspectives, perspectives, perspectives.

最近一直在思考这词，英文比较贴切 - perspectives.

想了想，我发现有多事情都是角度观点的问题。

你看事情的观点、你看事情的角度、你是戴着哪一副眼镜去看事情。

最近发现，其实人类非常善变。

我们若选择倚靠人类，终究难免会失望。

难怪只有上帝可以说，祂昨日、今日直到永远的是一样的。

同时我也必须检查自己的生活，说真的，我生命有哪一些东西真正是不变的。

有哪一些人真正是不变的。

亦或这么说，有哪一些人、友谊或关系是我要珍惜，带入永恒的。

#foodforthought

沉重的心...

刚刚收到一位中学好友的电话，打来的目的是要确认我是否会参加她的婚礼...当然会啦！很开心看到他们俩有情人终成眷属...

但我又刚刚打开脸书...看到另一个朋友的po文... 她最近接到消息...孩子保不住... 

我心好沉重... 

the fragility of life... 

to-blog-again

已经有好一段时间没有写文章了。有点想念文字...拼写文字。发布感言...

自己其实不是个喜欢张扬的人，我发现。

原本应该是 I 的性格...但生活圈子却越来越小。

我想这到底是好事坏事。

生活稀释到只剩下几样东西...但确实希望这一次都能做好。

希望做得少，也能够做得更好。

po上一些贝鼻的照片。

这个孩子长得太快了...
迈入第九个月...

悼念翁乔治牧师

我和翁牧师从未认识，或许有过一面之缘，一直都隐隐约约的认识这个人，因为他是华文教会中赫赫有名的牧师。但只有在周六听闻他过世的噩耗时，我才真正去认识他。

有趣的是，我和他三个孩子都有交集。曾和他儿子在同个牧区服事，长女是我以前儿童教会的老师，小女儿更是在去年的SOT里认识而成了朋友。没想到，自己在不知不觉的情况，也和他的家人有了关系。

今天参加追思礼拜时，心情很是沉重。虽然难过，就如圣经所说，我们不像没有指望的人忧伤一样，忧伤归忧伤，但仍旧有盼望。感谢上帝，我们有荣耀的盼望，死亡就不那么可怕，但是身边的人离开我们，纵然会心痛难过，特别是康牧师和耀珊。

我今晚有极大的荣幸，在翁牧师的追思礼拜上做翻译，想了想，上帝真的恩待了我。我是何等人，配得这样的机会...我思考他在新加坡和马来西亚的教会里所带来的贡献，心中就感动不已，他就是一位为神国度舍命的仆人。

这也就是神的国度。他几十年的服事，我看到他的果子和影响力。我们即便能在这生中多么成功，但要如何衡量成功？今天我明白...success is about significance. 他的影响力...他留下来的会存留到永恒。

This is what it means to live for God, and to live for eternity. I learnt such a precious lesson today.

提后4：6-7
我现在被浇奠，我离世的时候到了。
那美好的仗我已经打过了，当跑的路我已经跑尽了，所信的道我已经守住了。

翁牧师，安息主怀。相信你在天上的赏赐是大的。你在这地上撒下的种子必定开花结果。

27.

Another 30 mins to the end of 28 July. Cannot remember when was the last time I had such an uneventful birthday.... So just allow me to indulge.... 

Disclaimer: I'm not complaining, just ranting perhaps.

Since jan 19, 2013, my life has never been the same and will never be. I am not exactly feeling depressed about this, because I know motherhood is a high calling, but I have been feeling it soooooo much nowadays, the sacrifices one has to make is so massive... I cannot count and will not attempt to.. Count the sacrifices and amount of things I gave up just because of this... 

最近地心情确实有点低落。很多的牺牲，很多的调整，很多的寂寞。出嫁那天已经做出一大调整，但做母亲的调整，完全超乎我的想像。但我必须澄清，我并非后悔，因为这是我选择的路。是先苦后甜，还是先甜后苦。唯一的问题是，我感觉有些迷失。生活的琐碎，让我似乎迷失了方向。我不知道自己未来应该期待的是什么，难怪赵牧师常说。。。我们需要异象和异梦。

这突如其来的落寞感让我有些措手不及。我一般上是个非常积极正面的人。。。而且一直都知道自己前面的方向该怎么走。。。虽然孩子的到来在我的预想之中，但自己可能没有预料到当中要舍去的一切。

But to round it up, I am very thankful. Thankful for hubby, for baby, for church, for cg, for ministry, for friends... 

I hope I can see light in this tunnel very soon.... 

He restores my soul

Pst mike came and in this last day, he talked about us restoring our souls. And I felt it struck a chord in me. Life has become so busy and hectic, that sometimes I just cannot take time to restore my soul.. Or rather.. I dunno what it takes for my soul to be restored. Maybe I should really pray n ask God to show me... 

Whenever life and ministry get overwhelming, I find myself withdrawing and wishing I don't have to do anything. I just hide. And right at this moment, I'm so desperate for a getaway. To the point that tears will well up in my eyes when I think about it, because I need a break so much. 

The rest of this year looks so overwhelming that I feel tired just to think about it.. When bern interviewed Pst, he said this... He lives one day at a time. I think I just have to learn that... 

And I do want to get away so badly... 

Solitude

3.5 months after giving birth, i have gotten used to a new addition in the family. But life has been crazy, work has been busy, and i find myself craving for a break and solitude, to be completely alone, doing nothing...

May is a hectic month, in every sense of the word.

How i wish... To just do nothing...

A Clean Breast

I stumbled upon Theresa’s blog one or two years back… (I could not even remember how and when!) But I was very touched by her posts that were so candid yet brutally honest about her fight with cancer.

When I knew she wrote a book and released it, I was so excited and eager to get hold of one! (Especially when I love reading real life stories; how inspiring they always are)

I finished it in one night, captivated by her account of how she emerged from her battle with cancer.

She is one courageous person, and it is amazing how God uses our lives to be a blessing and inspiration to others.

If you know of someone battling with cancer, or someone with a loved one facing cancer, I honestly recommend you to grab the book!

It’s such a good read!!

Thoughts on recent strike by PRC drivers

Much talk has been going around regarding the strike PRC drivers went on a few days ago. It is a first in many years for our Singapore society, obviously stirring up quite a storm in our supposedly-peaceful society.

Just wanted to pen down some thoughts I have, but I am of course no social analyst, but personally I do feel for the PRC drivers. It was said that lines of communications are open, perhaps in formality, but honestly, where and how can these drivers fend for their rights?

这些人人生地不熟，离乡背井来到一个陌生的地方工作，对这里的制度和系统不熟悉。说实在的，他们到底能找谁去帮他们争取福利，或是摆脱不平等的待遇？我自己认识一些在新的外籍人士，特别是劳工阶级的，我常感觉他们处于被剥削的状态，但却投报无门。

I have been reading some articles, and i do agree with many of them that say these workers have little bargaining power. For these people, it is almost seen as a “privilege” to be able to come to Singapore and work here. If you are not happy with what you are getting, you can jolly well leave this job and go somewhere else. 

So much more is needed to be done for these labour workers in Singapore, really.

初见曙光之时

妊娠期进入第三周期后，常会在早上四至六时之间起床，之后要再回去睡就成问题了。

今天也是这样。也因为接近预产期的关系，最近的我开始有了很多想法。

有点感觉自己面临身份危机。

一直以来，我都清楚知道自己要什么，该做什么，生活的不同时间也带着不同使命。突然之间，自己得放慢脚步，花了很久的时间才习惯。现在来到了第三周期，因为生活步伐放慢，我更是有时间思考我的人生。

今早想起了有人说的一句话。

在这段时间，我就是应该要陪在我孩子身边。

是啊，我们的生命在不同的时候，就该扮演不同的角色。

灵命，家庭，服事，工作。。。这一切都需要平衡。

Intricate balance.

有时有些焦虑，担心自己是否能胜任。但感谢上帝的是，我周围有许多敬虔的母亲，她们真的是我学习的榜样。

我需要。。。再次找到自己的定位。

给自己说声：加油。

heavy, bulky, bloated, clumsy and…?

thankful. (:

Now at week 27, going on to 28, I am starting to feel really pregnant and bulky. Feeling a little clumsy and that my skin is super stretched…

But just really thankful.

Today is the first time i experienced water retention in such a real way! my fingers and toes were swollen when i woke up, it was so bad that I could not really move my fingers in the morning… they felt too tight. My toes looked so bloated…

I think what is the most exciting at this stage… is not just feeling the baby move… but "seeing” the baby move! Not that u can see it with your naked eye… but the baby moves so much nowadays, i can see my clothes moving when she moves! She will jerk and if I am resting anything on my tummy, my hand will jerk as well. That is a very thrilling feeling… Hahaha…

Counting my blessings…

week 22

说时光飞逝，还真的不夸张。

当你看自己的肚子一天天变大，才发现时间很快的与我们擦身而过。

怀孕这个过程，的确很奇妙。

这一个星期，孩子不停的动，不停的踢，似乎要提醒周围的人她的存在。

是的，是个女的。

孩子有时候会很好动，最奇妙的是，在播放赞美敬拜时，她总是会动起来。好爱这一点啊！

我祈求我的孩子长大，也会热爱神的同在。

to be a lover of His presence. (:

Every blog entry is a musing in process.

I was thinking what to name this post, only to realise, every entry i post up, is a musing in process.

Had an amazing leaders’ meeting with Pst YK last night at YMCA, and I am still soaking in the presence from last night. 2 verses that God placed in my heart.. that is still resounding in my mind.

Ex 33:13 Show me Your way… that I may know You…

Moses prayed.

It came as a revelation to me yesterday..

Many times we pray, God show me Your way. But how many people pray… God show me Your way, that I may know You?

We pray for the will of God… but what is our motive?

Show me Your way… not for my success… not for my ministry… not for my vision… but show me Your way, so that I may know You.

I want to walk in Your will, so that I may know You.

The former has always been my prayer… but the latter… came as a revelation yesterday.

Was reminded of what Pastor Tan shared with us last week.

God brings us to mountaintops… and through valleys… so that we may know Him in a greater way.

发现到上帝常常让我经历一些看似孤单的日子… 这些时候，也叫我更亲近祂，更认识祂。

Musings.. Walking w God

Thoughts i have been having recently, or perhaps even in the past one or two years.

When we first started out as a believer, life was really simple. It's easy to have someone to fall back on, right and wrong seems so clear cut, following God was a simple affair.

As i progress more in this journey, i find that the hearts of man are so deep, sometimes u really wonder... N u start to realise man are fallible. People u know or thought u know are no longer the people u know... We learn that no man is perfect, and only God is. And i find that.. The line between right and wrong is so thin, it's so difficult to tell sometimes, what is right and what is wrong. What is of God and what is not of God.

And i am learning to navigate through all these. Today Pastor Tan shared something.. He said that sometimes in our walk with God, it gets lonely, because God is teaching us to trust in Him totally. That struck a chord in my heart. I do find that this route gets lonely sometimes, and it is indeed difficult to find like-minded people. And sometimes, when i look at things around me, i wonder, God what is ur will in the midst of all these? Ultimately i find that what i am really interested in is not what man thinks, but i want to know His heart, His ways, i want to have His perspective. How do u look at a matter, a person, that is ultimately what i am concerned about...

Just some thoughts as i watch things unfold around me.

No wonder all the great men of God prayed n said.. God show me ur heart.. Show me ur ways.. Show me ur paths...

The greatest place to be is to be in the centre of the will of God.

my 26th birthday

Before i knew it, my 26th birthday had come and passed me by. Strangely, after I got attached and married, and as my life streamlined, birthdays had become lesser of such a big thing to me. haha. it's just another day of spending time w family and friends and receiving presents. But as I grow older, presents hold less significance, and relationships hold greater importance. It was just an ordinary day, because it was Emerge weekend, having lunch with my members, interpreting for service and dinner with in-laws.

Maybe it's due to the fact that I am pregnant, I have become more of a homely person, enjoying time at home more than being out. Shopping and being out has become less appealing, perhaps due to the fact that there are less clothes I can buy. Hahahaha.

Anyway, birthdays are always a good time to take stock of our lives.

This one year flew past me (not surprisingly) but it was an amazingly fruitful year.

This time last year, i was still soaking in the bliss of marriage, and was getting used to married life. And one year down the road, I am 3 months pregnant. A friend commented that my life is so well-planned, and it just goes down the typical road. On hindsight, it does. Haha. But it is definitely not intentional, I just learn to take life one step at a time. Although i am looking forward to motherhood, there are many times I wonder if I am really ready for this. Gee. Reality check.

God really took me through many things this year, new friendships, in ministry, it was a whole new level together. I guess the biggest thing i will never forget, is interpreting for Pastor Kong and Mrs Cho on Suntec stage. What a moment. What an encounter. What a privilege.

This emerge, Pastor Kong said, he is just an imperfect vessel that God used to do His perfect will. I am reminded, that I am really a nobody in the hands of Almighty God, doing His will. Life has gone on, from a desire to achieve success, to significance. Will not forget this sentence that Pastor shared.

Looking back, my heart is filled with gratitude. Grateful to God for my super amazing husband who loves me with everything he has, and God for always being with me, taking me this far, my family and in-laws who love me so much, my friends and leaders that I can always lean on. My cg of young people that God has placed in my life and I so love... I am just thankful. Lastly thankful to Him for granting me the desire of my heart, giving me a child.

Looking forward, in this new year... my prayer is of course...

for my pastors and leaders... for full deliverance...

for a healthy baby...

to know Him in a deeper manner.. rebuilding my altar..

thankful for the last 26 yrs, and looking forward to even more glorious yrs ahead.. :)

What is in your heart?

After attending Chinese Cg yesterday, i was reminded of the word God gave me on 15 April…. When God asked me…

Show me your heart.

What is in your heart today?

Those words struck my heart… and I could not help it… but break down and cried and cried and cried…

I never dared to tell God what is in my heart.

It’s too impossible, it’s too big… and I am too small… too inadequate..

But that day, God put courage in me… i stepped up to the altar and told God… yes i believe you can use me…

In You, I can.

I was reminded of the word again yesterday. And tears overwhelmed me. I could not help myself. I was reminded of how God spoke to me… and less than 1 mth later… i will have a chance interpreting for one of the greatest man of God alive…

Behold what manner of love has our Father bestowed upon us…

最初的梦想—范玮琪

如果骄傲没被现实大海冷冷拍下
又怎会懂得要多努力才走得到远方
如果梦想不曾坠落悬崖千钧一发
又怎会晓得执着的人有隐形翅牓
把眼泪装在心上 会开出勇敢的花
可以在疲惫的时光
闭上眼睛闻到一种芬芳
就像好好睡了一夜直到天亮
又能边走着边哼着歌
用轻快的步伐
沮丧时总会明显感到孤独的重量
多渴望懂得的人给些温暖借个肩膀
很高兴一路上我们的默契那么长
穿过风又绕个弯 心还连着
像往常一样

最初的梦想紧握在手上
最想要去的地方
怎么能在半路就返航
最初的梦想绝对会到达
实现了真的渴望
才能够算到过了天堂
最初的梦想绝对会到达
实现了真的渴望
才能够算到过了天堂