黄城

只为那爱 我愿与你通行万里路
只为那爱 我愿与你携手向前迈步
黄城两载多短促 就算爱上了又为何不付出

i hope i got it right.

我好高兴我星期六决定要回黄城多一次。相信在我的生命里，黄城真的扮演一个重要的角色。

我一从车上下来时，就感到一股莫名的兴奋。
熟悉的楼梯 老师 朋友 人。
熟悉的食堂，central plaza, class bench.
我希望你不会厌烦
因为我会一直一直的重复 我爱华初

不知道要怎么说
但是感觉就是熟悉
开心 高兴
对黄城
终究有这么一个感觉

看到一个学长谈华初
才发现在不同人的生活里
都藏着我们对华初的一份感情 思念

i love u hwa chong. u gave me one of the most beautiful memories in my life.

i m proud to be a hwachongian.

失去了才懂得珍惜
人是否真的要失去了
才会懂得如何去珍惜

我是否在不停的被磨练
因为有时候
我真的会感觉
我或许可能真的会撑不下去
所以我真的觉得我非常需要你

当全世界 丢下了我 只剩下我一个人
你会在这里吗？

强颜欢笑
忍住泪水
多次转头让眼泪不准掉下
始终
按捺不住
在你走进去
不肯回头的那一刻
眼泪在不由自主的情况下
不听使唤
频频掉下

我并没有你认为的坚强
讨厌在陌生人面前掉泪
我讨厌在别人面前看起来脆弱
但是谁又知道
我真的并没有那么坚强

somebody told me. u r such a brave n strong girl.
i m not. really.

God i m so helpless about so many things. so many things r tugging at my heart. i noe becos u r ard, everything is going to be ok. but God, sometimes it is painful. sometimes i feel like i will bow under the pressure. sometimes i really dunno wad to do.

will u please promise me.. that no matter what happens, u will nv leave me? promise me.. that when my world threatens to crash.. u will hold it up for me wun you?

sad

daddy's leaving tml. i was actually quite ok abt it. after i prayed bout it. i knew it was a change, n in some sense for the good. but suddenly it jus hit me that i wun see my dad day in n day out. n i jus wan to say. dad i m really going to miss u. really.

till this point suddenly i jus felt like i really love my dad alot. yah he is imperfect but i noe he loves me lots. n i m gonna miss him big time. he is my joy, he constantly frustrates me.. but yet he brings joy to my life. his humour brightens me up really. 6 mths is a long time.

thank u for being a wonderful dad.

i m gonna miss u sitting there every morning, or making silly comments to wad i say. going to miss ur nagging i think. going to miss a home that i can come back to where i noe i can be who i m. where i can jus be myself. daddy i m really going to miss u. big time. love u lots.

did i tell u..

that day i was talking to a friend of mine. and we discovered that she had a pattern of liking, or shld i say xishang guys who r generally xi1 wen2. sorry i m too lz to type in chinese.

den i realise sth. i appreciate guys with shen1 du4 and depth! yah i noe i said that before somewhere in my blog. but i realise sth bout it, is that i really like pple (guys n girls alike) who have depth, who think alot, and reflect. that is what our brain for isn't it? and i m a really philosophical person la. so in everything i think.. i will jus pull it so far it becomes like philosophy. that is wad i mean in history class. haah. toking abt democracy n in the end i voiced it so far that i toked abt human beings. that basically human beings r good n bad at the same time. n becos we r imperfect. that will be no perfect system ever in the universe. becos we create the system man. sounds like deep stuff right, yah that is wad i always think DEEP within me pple. i dun always voice it out. cos pple generally dun get it and dun understand n few resonates with me in this area.

toking abt this. maybe i shall jus blog abit more. many times i have many thots but i dun voice it out. cos i think many will fail to understand, in the very first place, not many r interested to listen. abt all these silly and deep thoughts n reflections xiaoting has of the universe and of humans in nature. now u who r reading this mus think i m out of my mind. xiaoting.. y is the black hole in ur brain so big that u get sucked in so deep? so much so that u ponder abt life n humans!

i also dunno y.God created me this way! but i now i prefer to walk the walk, n not jus tok the tok.

i still appreciate guys who think, who r not himbotic, who write well.

i promise i will blog, pray, read my bible and sleep. i feel exhausted.

it is not that i din sleep enough. but my nose is really getting on me. i thot it may jus be sinus again, but apparently it's such a bad runny nose.

n i have a packed packed week ahead of me!! quizzes and quizzes.. and jus finished a 2400 word chinese essay. plus daddy leaving for china. *sobz*

we have already planned to go visit him next yr january. den i can go shopping at shen zhen n HK! yay! and i told my dad to sponsor me if i get straight 'a's. so gambetha xiao ting.

this sounds like such a bimbotic post. haah. and so unlike me. tdy i was reading long ying tai's book. and i loved it.

对她的感觉，真的是又爱又恨。爱的是她那锐利的眼光，恨的却是她有时候毫不留情批评的，可能是我，或是我处在的这一片地。但是，我还是非常欣赏她的文章。没有几个台湾认真的能写出像她这样的作品。

i believe. as long as i can walk thru the valley, there is sth greater in store for me.

我不会放弃的。我害怕放弃，害怕停滞不前。所以放弃这个字眼已不再出现。现在，最重要的是，大步大步的往前走。不要害怕。

keep me in your arms always. help me to never stop loving you. let my heart never grow cold. i will not forget you when i grow up.

a heart after you

yest i was listening to pst kong's msg, heart of worship. this morning i was praying.

when i was in the toilet bathing, running my head under the water, God asked me.

do u noe what is it that makes Pst Kong so successful as a pst? do u noe y he is there tdy he is?

den God told me.

ting cos he is broken n dependent. as "big" as he is as a senior pastor, ting he knows everything he has come from Me. he knows that he cannot live without me.

then God said.

ting he loves Me more than his church, his ministry, his wife, his family.

ting what abt u?

jus now i was jus looking thru the bs i m supposed to give. it talks abt the jerusalem church.

there was once upon a time that i was so amazed by what was going on in acts.

yes we r doing great things.

but there is so much more.

God i yearn to know u more. to long for u more than anything else in this world. to say

whom have i in heaven but u. there is none i desire besides you.

and i was looking at somebody's blog. and God. i wish

all my members will live a godly life. they will be spiritual, they will hunger after you. they only wan u in their life.

they will be pure, they will be holy. they will not lead a double life. they will not curse and swear, they will not lie, they will not make sin a lifestyle. they will be a light that shines in church, and even more in their schools.

God i wish they will be teachable. they will be willing to be discipled. God i wish they will want to progress with you, they will want to move on in you.

God i pray they will not be self-centred. God i pray all that they think abt will not just be themselves and themselves and themselves. God i pray that they will love you more than they love themselves.

God i pray they will love you and they will love people. they will have a passion for people jus like Jesus has. they will reach out. they will make evangelism a lifestyle.

God i pray they nv will think they r the centre of the universe.

God i pray they will LAY DOWN THEIR LIVES FOR YOU.

God i pray they will know how to honour their leaders, pastors and they will run with the vision of the church, every single day.

God i pray they will love the word of God. they will not be bored in messages, they will not fool around in church, they will treat the word of God seriously, take them notes and receive the word of God.

God i pray they will be faithful and fruitful. they will not be stubborn n refuse to change.

God i pray they will be kingdom-minded. they will not be distracted by the things of this world, by BGR, by playing computer games, by fun, but their eyes will be set upon you.

God i pray above all else, they will love You. with all of their heart, all of their soul, and all of their mind. I pray they will love You more than anything else in this world. they will desire you. God they will not wan anything else. God they will hunger and thirst for your presence.

God i pray. change us. all of us. bring us back to that first love. take us into the book of acts i pray i pray i pray.

God open all of our eyes. that we will not be blinded. but God we will look inside and say yes i need to change. and we will look outside and say yes the world needs us.

many times i will come to a place, in which that i feel that a lot of discussion is pointless. that is sth i dislike sometimes in sch. i understand that discussion is necessary. but i hate going on n on about the same topic yet all that we do is talk! what is the point of discussing a problem yet not doing sth about it.. hoping that by raising the problem, the government will be aware, somebody will be aware and do sth abt it? that is the job of an intellectual isn't it? to raise problems.

xq once told me oprah winfrey is a nice show. n i cant agree more. know what? i love pple like that more than the voices in the society. chan eng once told me that the pple knew that the US gov din do a good job in Katrina, and many protested. that is a good thing, becos u keep the government in check. but u noe what i like better? i like people like oprah winfrey. that she raises money, asked the pple to give, and she rebuilt the homes of the pple who lost their homes in Katrina. i appreciate pple who dun jus talk the talk, but walk the walk. that she will not talk about what is happening.. but she actually goes there and acts it out.

there r many voices in the society, really. everybody has a view abt everything, from the students to the taxi drivers to the working pple to the auntys and uncles at the market. but how many in the society really go out there and try to change our world? i jus wish, instead of doing a lot of talking, we will go out there, working within our constraints, and change our world.

yes make a difference.

walk the walk, not jus talk the talk.

intelligence

when i was younger, i din think much of myself. many relatives will praise me for being a good girl, and for being a good student. but i will jus smile. i m someone who always expects a lot from myself, and i m very hard on myself. perhaps cos my mum was very hard on me.

when i got my psle results, everybody was pretty amazed. but i thot i could do better.

when i got my o level results, i also thot i could do better.

when i got my a level results, i also thot i could do better.

lame right, but ya. i have nv been satisfied.

a lot of pple told me that "xiaoting u r a very smart girl!" -- no la that only came from kevin. haah. but a lot of pple think and said that i was smart. or shld i say intelligent.

but how do u define intelligence? and frankly speaking, what is being smart?

does it mean that u can get really good grades, that means u r smart?

does it mean u speak very well, that means u r smart?

what determines u to be smart or not? and what makes u noe if i m smart or not?

yest somebody asked chan eng. r u smarter or xiaoting smarter?

den chan eng said xiao ting. haah. but what is the basis of comparison? i really wan to noe.

when i m studying chinese, i dun really feel smart, seriously speaking. n i dun think i m very street smart either.

so xiaoting, what r u? haah

*i m not trying to boast that i m smart or intelligent. but jus wondering. r u smart?

being emo

it's weird that i m feeling a little emo right now. but i realise that i usually feel that on sat nights.

there was jus this realisation tdy in church. many times when i go thru problems, trials, obstacles and challenges, sometimes i will ask myself, the reason behind me doing all these things. many who noe me wonder y i gave up so many things for this. many think it is a pity. many, when they noe, r filled with bewilderment. it seems few understand.. y i lay down my life for Him.

i remembered i used to blog abt this incident. when my ex classmates wanted to go genting, they asked me. and when i knew it was on a weekend. i said no. becos i simply did not wan to miss church. and lim yang said. jus for this ah. den i said ya. and there r many things i have given up for God. and tdy..

when we started the service, and i was standing there singing n worshipping God, i felt like yes. this is wad i m living for. when the presence of God hits me, i jus like.. yah God. everything. really everything. i will not exchange anything in this world for this.

i love u lord.

i will not forget the times i promised i will lay down my life for u.

i will nv forget how i stood at the window and said, if this world is to give up on u, i will nv give up on u.

i will nv forget how every time things go wrong, whenever i m devastated, lost, hurt, disappointed, wounded, u will lovingly take me in ur arms and say, ting everything's gonna be ok. becos i m around.

it's you
you who have won my heart
taken me into your arms
comforted me like a friend
your love
surrounded me from the start
i nv want to be apart
from u ever again

pple with depth, talents and character.

u noe wad?

i m always appreciative of pple who has depth, meaning 深度，talents and character. especially guys who r like that.

we need to! raise up men like that. with depth, mature in their thinking, responsible, disciplined, talented yet with great character.

God pls move.

the 300th entry.

this is not directed towards anybody but jus thoughts about how this world has become.

jus felt that what the Bible said is so true.

2Timothy 3:1
"But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! "

somehow in my heart i felt that this is the case in this world, especially in our generation and the generations below me. many have lost the spirit to serve, the spirit to give. love is benefiting others at the expense of yourself. i dunno if i m being over critical or what. but somehow i m so overwhelmed. by the fact that so many jus place themselves as the centre of their lives. one of the things i dislike to hear is ..

"but i jus dun wan to.."
"i dun feel like.."
"can i dun do this.."
"huh.."

i really pray from the bottom of my heart. there will a new generation who will rise up. pple who will lay down their lives for God. pple who will not live for their own desires. pple who will not jus wan to do things their way. many times pple say n think. but i want to do this.. i wan to do that. my question for u is. what does God wan u to do?

i remember since young, i have learned. of living out the will of God for my life. in everything i do, i will ask God. is this what u wan me to do? but i feel like the entire paradigm has changed. instead of asking God, christians now turn to themselves. what do i wan? and it is I, I, I, I, me, me, me and myself. pple dun serve God the Father, Jesus the son, and the Holy Spirit. they serve I, me and myself.

christians who r reading this. my members who r reading this. my frens who r reading this. u noe i seldom say such things on my blog. but there is a burden i m carrying right now in my spirit. and i have got to say.

i beseech you brethren. if u r living only for urself right now, if u r always living for ur own priorities, for ur own life and pleasures, stop this moment to think. love is benefitting others at the expense of urself. i beseech you! stop living for urself. start living for God. ask God what He wants u to do. i really believe, that God is burdened, at seeing a new generation who lives for themselves. Bible said, David served God's purpose in his generation.

Will u serve God's purpose for ur generation?
Will u run with the vision of the church?
Will u live for, not urself, but for the vision God has placed in u, in ur cg, in city harvest or where u r?

frens stop looking inward. stop looking inside and say "I want this, I want that". start looking up to Him and say "what do u wan Lord?"..

let's be pleasers of God.

reflections

tdy saw sth a guy did n i felt so touched. he has learned to love, and he has learned to protect and to stand up for. and i have been amazed. and this is wad i think is manhood.

man who stands up when necessary. not to fight, but to protect.

man who will love n commit.

man who will be there to offer a shoulder or a listening ear.

that sisters do not have to take their place.

God raise up real men in our midst.

living to be near You Lord
I long to seek Your face
Lord forever You're my secret place

sun looks so good!!!

check out these pics. i think she looks incredible. especially the first one. i dunno if i m supposed to put it on. but i cant resist it. she looks amazing.

He gave me my answer

i was thinking, troubled over that entire problem. i was telling God i dun have the capacity to handle it.

but God works thru amazing ways. I was jus watching get rea! on channel newsasia and God gave me my answer.

the show was talking about this girl's home and how the founder is acty a pastor and he helps them in totally unconventional ways. i will not say i exactly agree with it, but i agree with love.

yes i agree with love.

i saw how he faced the struggles he does, how many times more difficult it is acty being a pst to these pple, how he loved them unconditionally.

this is wad i m called for.

beyond growth, multiplication, i m called to make disciples, to love them, to see them one day impacting their worlds for God. yes this is wad i m called to do, isn't it?

random thoughts.

this is what happens to u when u stay at home for looong hours. u start thinking a lot of nonsense. haah.

有时候感觉我的世界不停的威胁着我
它誓言要垮下
许多时候
如果剩下的 影响的 是自己
或许我会无所谓
但是我身上背负的
却是更多更多
这些更多更多
让我一定要向前走
让我不能停滞不前

我不知道
为什么我这么喜欢在原地踏步
我已经那么习惯现在的生活
但是习惯是一件很怕人的事情
当我看到那座山
我真的好害怕
我好想转过身来
往后逃啊逃
我真的不想去面对
真的

但是。。
我却没有选择。
当初做的决定
让我如今没有选择
一定要往前走
一定要

when my world threatens to crash, will u promise to hold it up for me?

sick.

it's been a long time since i fell sick. n i feel really terrible. my stomach has been hurting for 2 whole days! n vomiting n diarhorea. and eating very little for almost 2 days! will i slim down? haah.

awfully tired.

it seems quite silly to post sth n say that i m awfully tired. which i m. n i m probably not gg to get enough sleep in a really long time. haah. God help me!

tdy i had a revelation of something. anyway i felt in my heart that me as a person, i got to move on to the next level. spiritually, mentally etc. in my leadership, in my studies and many other areas of my life.

it has been tiring going to sch and doing many other things at the same time, but at the minimum, my life is slowly getting into the order i wan it to be in. this is how i wan it to be. but i wan to live at a higher level. i like a fulfilling life.

to be lagging, jus wannna update a bit. i m falling in love with the show. my name is kim san jung. it is sooooo cool. no kidding. the show is like so fantastic. but jus that i can only watch it next wk. cos i got tons of things to do now till next wk.

computer is lagging. so i shall blog another time.

many many thoughts

the same thing is happening to me again. overwhelming thots flooding my mind. wad happen tdy really caused me to think.

first things first. thank u Jesus. tdy's service was amazing n fantastix. yepp. i did feel healed. though it was really weird sitting with the new frens yet crying my heart out, but i still did. no one family is perfect isn't it? God showed me a revelation to wad i should do. n wad i m holding on to.

i dun always fancy putting this up here. but many times, i will ask the pple ard me. m i a good leader? not that xiaoting is slipping into self condemnation or self doubt la. but i have wondered if i have caused anybody to stumble.

and it jus tells me i m not perfect. n i really m not. there r so many times i feel so inadequate. being a leader, i jus need to learn to be a better one always. n God, i jus feel i have so many lives in my hands. sometimes i m afraid. sometimes i m helpless n i dunno wad to do.

show me how to live
teach me how to pray
let all i think n say please u Lord

show me how to live
teach me in ur ways
that i may walk with You all my days

help me be the best ldr i can be. God i m not perfect. u make up for my inadequacies Lord. thank u.

was jus reading a primary sch fren blog. wad amazes me was how both of us can be of the same age, came from the same sch, yet lead such different lives. she is now on nepal, and she has a bf from nepal.

sometimes i wonder has it been right to take this route.. this route commonly taken.. this route that is safely tested. and as i grow older, i m really seriously thinking. ting, what do u wan to do in the future?

for a really long time, things have been smooth sailing. so different compared to the life i had when i was younger. but it was those days that mould me to be who i m tdy. that kind of strength i have.

i dun wan to live my life as the average university student anymore. i need to jump out of it. live another life. fulfill my potential.

jus another random thing. i was jus telling my fren. i feel like i m living in a bubble. 与世隔绝。

jus feel like blogging

here to blog some stuff after so long.

God is good, really good. (: I love u Lord.

good things have been happening. sept blast has been good, studies has been good. i m so happy.

had a great time fellowshipping with my members tdy. it felt different. n good. yest i was jus thinking bout my childhood. and was telling them the silly things that happen. it is great to be a kid isn't it? but yet it is also wonderful to be growing up.

hereby..

i wanna congratulate kevin! (my EX boss..haah. cos he is going to be promoted.) congrats and congrats!

n to all who worked really hard for sept blast!.. it is great to be part of the same team as u.

n to my cg.. i love u. (:

hey i m really studying. so far so good. using my brains u noe. haah.