Transition no 2 @ Week 12

12 weeks have passed since the birth of number 2 Meimei Jojo and there are many things to thank God for. Thank God that Jojo has not been difficult... she has been really quite cooperative which I am very grateful for. That helps me and also the helper a lot in coping with the household.

Much has happened in the last two months. I was hoping and praying for a successful breastfeeding journey, but after 1++ month, I was down w a fungal infection and I had to pump and throw for about 2 weeks. After that I could resume but my supply has dropped tremendously... it has been difficult and painful trying to pump back the supply because I am going back to work tomorrow!!! I kind of miss latching Meimei...

We are also in the midst of renovation for our new house and it has been just busy busy busy. We spent all our Mondays shopping for furniture, running errands and settling renovation. I am so much looking forward to moving to a new place! but the process of getting there is arduous...

I have been taking on a lot of responsibilities in the house lately, so much so that I find myself running on empty sometimes. I lost my cool at Jaime a few times this week, and I don't seem to have the capacity to endure and have patience and tolerance. I probably need to give myself space to breathe, to renew.. restore and recharge. One of my prayers is that I can find a new equilibrium and balance as I return to work, but one thing I know, there will be lots of grace for my household. :)

Thank You Jesus for your brand new mercy and grace... every single day.

Before I pop....

Week 39 Day 3

I am a few days from popping and I just wanted to register how I felt at this moment.

This pregnancy had been a lot of survival... for a huge part of the last few months... most of the time I was really thinking how to survive.. how to live one day at a time... how to get through a week at a time.. and to regulate a lot of emotions...

But coming to week 39, everything suddenly 沉淀下来。我无需再担心，而是真正的待产心情。而且，我也在这两周里有更有时间和精力去做我想做的事。我认为这是恩典吧，上帝给我恩典，让我在生产之前，完成我需要做的事情。

突然之间，这星期我开始有紧张的情绪。我这几天在陪着孩子的时候，心里想，在老二出来之后，我要怎么样去满足两个孩子的需要。我无法想象自己的生命会有多大的改变，一个小孩对我人生的改变真的很大，我没法想象有两个孩子的生活....

也因为之前只为生存，我真的没有去思考生后该如何。现在突然发现，自己真的离新生儿很远，我已经忘记喂奶是什么感觉...而这一切，就要重新开始了。

现在的我，离生产大概是40++小时。这次真的很感恩，因为有个自己可以期待的日期，好好准备好一切，但不免还是有点紧张。

晓亭...加油！

付出 vs 回報

在預產期倒數的前幾刻……先記錄一下自己的心情和反思。

這段日子常常在思考的是「付出與回報」的問題。

發現自己從很久很久以前就頻頻發生這個問題，從中學開始，雖然現在已經不常發生，但偶爾自己還是會有這樣的「癥狀」。

我發現自己是個在做什么事情，都會完全「掏心掏肺」的人。特別是在人際關系上面，我發現自己沒辦法而總是會做出最大的努力和付出，這從中學開始就是這樣。我一旦注重一個人，就會很愿意付出，而最近我在思考，這個「付出」的問題，是和個人的個性有關系，還是和自己成長的背景有關系。而最終，這到底是不是一個「問題」還是我在思考的。

常常我會發現，自己很注重一段友誼或關系，卻沒有得到相等的回應。年輕的我以前常在這事上糾結，漸漸長大后已經對這事情更看開和放手。我自己的性格奇怪在于，自己明明就很外向，但卻又是那么的exclusive，而我發現我exclusive的原因是因為自己一旦敞開心扉去讓人進入我的世界，就是讓自己vulnerable，而且我這個「掏心掏肺」的個性，太容易受傷，因此我對于誰能進入我的世界，是非常的講究和計較。

因為我是個open book，我完全沒有辦法對人有所保留，對于我所關心、在乎的人，我總是敞開去分享我的生命。因此，我才會那么計較允許什么樣的人進入我的世界。雖說如此，但是我依然還是會有受傷的時候，尤其在自己完全敞開去分享我的生命，但對方沒有對我如此坦誠的時候，自己總是會有一絲絲的遺憾和失望。

以前的我，每當感覺自己會受傷，立即的反應就是抽離。我總是會把自己受傷的情緒壓起來，從這段關系抽離，但問題是自己仍然無法釋懷，依然糾結在這上面。最近，我感覺上帝在這方面對我說話，祂讓我看見抽離不是最好的回應方式，祂教導我如何用正確的方式去解決這些情緒。最近看到一部戲提到「情感潔癖」這個說法，可能自己是個有「心理潔癖」的人，就是我完全沒有辦法讓我心里存在任何糾結、傷痛、失望的情緒而不去解決它們。偏偏我又是個執著的人，我常常希望自己不是個open book，常常希望自己不要那么執著，常常希望自己不要那么介意，常常希望自己不要把每件事情都看得那么重，但又偏偏……我就是沒辦法。

邁入30大關，一位友人告訴我，30歲，是我們更有自信的時候。所以邁入30歲，我想給予自己更多的一些肯定。我花了大半輩子，希望自己不要這樣。希望自己可以有所保留、希望自己不要執著、希望自己更放開、希望自己不是open book……但我也發現這就是我，所以我正在學習面對這樣的自己，接受這樣的自己，再來做個更好的自己。

我在想，上帝造我的時候，我的個性怎么會有這么多矛盾的地方？extroverted but exclusive. open book 但又要執著……

我也希望自己學習用正確的方式去面對我的情緒，而不是用我自己想要的方式去保護自己……

#musingsoftheheart

心系 vs 釋懷

過了幾個星期，自己腦海裡面還是甩不掉「释怀」两个字。

我感觉上帝在我心里头慢慢做出调整，特别是在对人的期待上。

我发现，自己常常会因为人际关系而受影响或失望，而最近在思考，这是不是自己「心系」的问题呢？是不是自己的心系着一些不该系着的事物？在这段时间里，对我来说最困难的莫过于成天的无所事事。我里面迫切需要与人连结、沟通、有更深一层的交流。但是，自己关在屋子里，加上缺乏人与人之间的接触，让我变得有点儿神经质，在情绪上失调。坦白说，我绝对不喜欢这样的自己——不喜欢自己失控，不喜欢自己情绪化多过理智，也不喜欢自己付出到一个无法自拔的地步，以致受影响。

我一直在寻找这当中的平衡是什么，我也一直尝试不要用一种防卫心理去对待这一切。我越是防备，越没办法真心的去正视自己的问题（如果有问题）。

以前每当受伤，我的自然反应就是抽离、自卫，但在这当中里面却埋起了许许多多受伤的情绪。我是一个，如果有疙瘩就必须要说出来的人，但这个问题在于，你认为有问题，别人不一定认为有问题。你要谈，别人不一定要谈，但我却又是个凡事都不能放在心上的人。

我常思考，自己为何是个open book，很多时候多么希望自己不是这样，自己可以为自己保留更多一点，也常希望我不是一个那么需要人际关系的人……可偏偏我就是那么需要深层的交流，我需要朋友，I need real human relationships to fill me...

另外一个问题是，因为自己是个open book，我什么事情都需要说出来，而我也常认为别人也是这样... 所以当我发现别人没有用这样的方式来回我，I will also be affected...

这是个「想太多」的时期……但也感觉上帝在调整我的心态……可能自己太闲了……好期待这时期赶快过去……

三十而立

孔子曰：“吾十有五，而志于学。三十而立。四十而不惑。五十而知天命。六十而耳顺。七十而从心所欲，不逾矩。”

虽然年龄只不过是个数字，但我对这个年龄还是有点期待的。之前提到，在这段被迫放慢脚步的时间里，我进行了很多反思——不知是无意或有意。可是，来到30岁这个里程碑，心中除了感恩，还是感恩。

感恩上帝，让我在20年后依然在教会服事。

感恩上帝，让我在10年后依然带领小组。

感恩上帝，结婚生子后依然能紧跟随祂的脚步。

感恩上帝，每一步的带领和引导，除了说谢谢，我还能说什么呢？

这两个月不容易，感觉自己的生命停滞不前，感觉我的世界好像come to a standstill，可是却在这段时间里，我看到了上帝丰盛的恩典。今天牧师讲道的一句话让我很感动，他说 Sometimes God speaks to us through His nature more than direct communication. That is so true...一路来，我不一定听见上帝的声音，但是即使我感觉的是沉默，我依然看见祂如何在我生命动工。生命中的每一步，祂就是那么的信实。

牧师还说了一句话，our confidence doesn't come from the assurance of the outcome, but it comes from the nature of God... His love for us... His calling for us... His plan for us... What a comforting thought. I take confidence and courage in everything in life... because I know He loves me. I was reminded of the season in my life, when I was fearful I will never get attached and married, and God revealed to me this deep deep love He had for me... and He showed me how He has the best in store for me, simply because He loves me... Such is His love...

Signing out on this last day of July - one of my favorite months of the year... with overwhelming gratefulness in my heart.

Jesus, thank You for everything, and in the next 30 years of my life... let me know You and love You more than ever before :)

Week 34

A lot of thought have been flooding through my mind.. Yes as usual so what's new about this. And as usual I blame it on the pregnancy hormones, and maybe the confining at home that has been evoking all these thoughts and crazy emotions.

On divine connections. 

Recently I have been witnessing how God is moving in lives bringing about divine connections, and it warmed my heart a lot to see how relationships open us up to a whole world and change us so profoundly.

But at the same time, I found myself moping over lost and distant relationships and wishing.. a whole lot of stuff. But something the hubby said suddenly struck me.. it isn't some new profound truth that I haven't known before... 但是他的一句话完全点醒了我，使我释怀。

最近在思考这个词“释怀”，当下，我真的感觉自己心中一颗大石放了下来。思考的是，自己是不是一个太执着的人，为什么对很多事情、很多人都是那么难放下，那么难放手……


On another note, I am really pretty absolutely frustrated w this current state... I think it's making me a little too emo, cause me to think a little too much and I don't know what's the way out... Urgh...

回首

I blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

I have been spending 2 days thinking a lot a lot about the past...

I kind of miss my young and carefree days.

Being a mum forces you to give up quite a lot.. and the extrovert in me has been much suppressed...

Suddenly there was a huge desire to YOLO, to travel, to be young and wild and free... much contrary to the current confined state at home...

Till then... I just have to suffice w a lot of imagination...

Urgh.. Pls deliver me from the wretched self that I am.. and all the emo-ness... OMG!

The Third.

You would think that it gets easier with every pregnancy but no it doesn't.

I am currently standing at week 30... and have been spotting through since like 5 months?

The first few times going to Dr Fong was a huge scare. As usual he stated the facts and used his big term of "threatened abortion" and later on "threatened premature".. and he would go on about how much it costs and what is the survival rate at each stage.

I don't know how I have come this far.. but I really have come thus far. But it's probably another two more months to go... and sometimes the future looks blurry.

In the beginning there were a lot of worries... even nightmares. Till now I still get dreams but not nightmares per se. I am thankful for the measure of faith given to me.. that I can believe that I will see a healthy and beautiful baby.

It is a journey of faith every step of the way. But every step of it, I am just grateful to God for sustaining me and the baby...

I think I will cry when the baby comes out... tears of joy and relief!

Till then...

找到自己的步伐

這幾天請了病假在家裡。奇怪的是，無聊的時間怎麼過得那麼快。

早上醒來刷一刷手機，掃一掃電腦，時間就過了。

最近認為自己精神狀態不好，這裡指的狀態是 intellectual... I feel empty intellectually. 

發現自己一直在看一些無關痛癢的文章，但卻沒有真真實實的閱讀。裡頭這種空洞的感覺，實在不堪。

因為休息多了，就會有晚上睡不著覺的問題，或是一大早五點鐘醒來。

醒來之後，思緒就多了。

其中一個我在思考的問題是：何為幸福快樂？

我發現，當了母親之後，這幾年來我一直想要追求的就是平衡。要如何調整自己的生活，達到完美平衡，那是我夢寐以求的，但我也了解，完美只是個目標，可能是我一輩子不停追求到無法達到的目標。

但最近，自己心中有太多的不足。覺得自己可以禱告多一點，可以更屬靈一點，可以多看一點書，可以更增廣見聞一點……好像什麼事情都可以多做一點。這是因為自己太拼，還是其實我的確可以在自己的生活中做更多……

在思考屬靈的事上，我又問自己：何為屬靈？

什麼樣的程度才算真正屬靈呢？當了媽媽之後，我總是覺得自己不夠屬靈，而也漸漸習慣這樣的狀態。在不譴責自己又要督促自己的情況之下，這平衡又要如何去拿捏？這是我真正很想要解決的問題。

自己的靈修生活有點兒來到停滯的狀態，但是我又沒有認為自己的靈命停滯，反而是覺得上帝透過生活對我傳講許多，上帝要的“完美狀態”是什麼，這是我想要去發掘的。 

因此這篇文章才有這個標題：找到適合自己的步伐。

這可以說是我現今的渴望……找到屬於自己的旋律、步伐和脈搏。 

A parenthesis...

I am now 18 weeks into my third pregnancy...

Just a month ago, I stumbled upon the story of a beautiful girl online, and her story captured my heart.

I must admit, I am not one that is especially empathetic.. there are just too many tragedies going on in the world. But her parents' struggle to find out what's wrong with her medical condition somehow caught my attention, and more importantly it was their faith and trust in God and how they did their best for their daughter. This beautiful girl was #courageouscaitie.

They were from the Philippines and I thought I wouldn't follow the story of this girl anymore, but somehow they came to Singapore in seek of medical advice and I continued to read about this girl every day. I remember.. for 1-2 weeks, I just couldn't get it out of my mind, what she's going through, what her parents are going through, Previously, I spent quite a bit of time thinking about suffering but I just could not process it.. I told God I was really scared... of having to suffer for Him. The thought scares me... I really didn't want it.

But that two weeks, the thought on suffering kept ringing in my mind.. reading her mum's blog.. I asked God.. why would He allow the parents to see their child suffer like that? And God actually replied me, because I saw My son suffer like that on the cross...

After two weeks of wrestling with God, I came to terms with it and told the Lord that I am willing... and later on they found out this beautiful girl was diagnosed w a rare form of Leukemia (that was why they couldn't detect what's wrong, it was very rare and hence difficult to pick up). Together with her parents, I prayed every night with Jaime for her healing, I was so glad though sad that she had a diagnosis.. and there was something to fight.

I was full of hope and faith.. rejoiced with them when Caitie discharged... seeing her trying to get back to health again.. eating again.. and it all looks good. I was envisioning her getting a bone marrow transplant.. nursing her health back and she will be a great great testimony for God.

But more than one week ago, things turned for the worse. An infection at first that just didn't seem to recover...and she had to be transferred to ICU.. I prayed and kept praying.. But things didn't pick up. I miss the beautiful updates of her smile and how hard she tried to fought her disease..

One or two days before her passing, when I was praying for her again.. I felt God drop this word in me.. Could you take it if she goes.. I told God no...

Just yesterday I opened my IG and realised she was in a critical condition.. I just prayed and prayed until I saw the update that she has gone home to be with Jesus.. I sat at my desk tearing for some time...

She was 3 year old just like Jaime.. and it's all too difficult. I tried not to think or read but I couldn't.. and would break down every time. Until I finally steadied my emotions because I had to lead CG meeting.

On my way home after CG, as I was thinking about her life, God brought back to my mind a verse "To live is Christ, to die is gain" (Phil 1:21). This was a verse that I had failed to fully grasp and had been toying with at the back of my mind for so long.. and suddenly, because of her life, it all makes sense now. She completely lived out the word... her courage, strength, life and death was such a great testimony for God... and that night, I thought a lot about Jesus, Heaven, eternity and hope. I saw at her funeral, how so many people turned up.. and online, how so many people were blessed and inspired by her story... in her death, she manifested the life of Christ.

Till today, I am blown away by how a 3 year old taught me about life, death and most importantly Jesus. I went home last night choked with emotions, as I hugged Jaime I cried. I am so so thankful I have a baby to hug, a family to love.

I realised.. I haven't talked enough about Jesus.. shared enough about Jesus..

This is a parenthesis in my motherhood journey that I will really treasure.

To love life, love family, and most importantly, love Jesus.

Thank you #courageouscaitie. :) See you in heaven...

看开

我自称自己是个看得很开的人，但却发现，有些事情，我不是这么容易说放下就放下。

过去五年，很多事情改变了，包括我身边友人，但一些人的友善和一些人的敌意却让我措手不及。

毕竟我们曾经相识一场、毕竟我们曾经一起生活、一起同工，人类的友善（与缺乏）的确让我感到错愕。

正在学习看开、学习放下……

如何坦诚待人、敞开心扉依然是一门学无止尽的功课。

Saying goodbye to 2015

It has been a most boring countdown for 2015, amidst a very exciting Christmas holiday we had. To be honest, I love Christmas so much, for all its joy, hope and giving. It's a time to love and to be loved, a time to give and receive.

We had a couple of very wonderful Christmas services, my beautiful thanksgiving CG as usual, gathering for our kids w all the mommy friends and not forgetting our annual family gathering. So much joy and so much glee! Now as I wallow in my misery of my boring countdown and new year, I almost forgot how happy Xmas had been.

My heart is full in 2015, I have seen the fruition of many things coming to past. My CG experienced a breakthrough, after a very difficult year in 2014, and my heart is filled with thanksgiving as I see how we have ended the year well.

It has been a joy of seeing Jaime grow up, this is the year that she experienced a lot of growth in speech and conversing with her every day brings a lot of joy, amidst all the frustration I might have experienced.

Grandma passed away this year, but it has also brought my family closer than ever before.

我心确实满溢，特别为这一年感恩。感恩有上帝恩典，感恩有家庭祝福，感谢上帝一直在我身边。

拥抱2016。