my primary calling is to be a follower of Christ.

Wow. today's service blew my mind. i love the presence of God. love the priveilege to be a worshipper of God. guess sometimes we have been a Christian for so long that we become "martha" isn't it? we get our priorities wrong. we r having a ministry, not serving Jesus. we fail to wait upon Him. but our primary calling is to be at the feet of Jesus. proskuneos.

suddenly feel that i m really an emotional creature. jus now i was jus waiting for sg idol results when i cried! haha. becos chris is out of the show. wow wow to xiaoting. haha. not that i really like him a lotltotltot. but the fact that he has been there for so long working so hard is jus so sad. i realli feel sad for him? haix. it is a tough world out there.

i was jus reading jin hui's blog. n to tell the truth, xiaoting is very tired too. worn out. totally. not lack of sleep kind of thing but this whole mugging business is making me really tired. i was jus sitting in bk for 4 hours n man, after that i felt like everything was sucked out of me u noe. i went to the library, sat down, and it felt so peaceful. God xiaoting needs u needs u needs u needs u. needs u. NEEDS U.

due to popular demand (by john), xiaoting is back to blog again. well, the reason i have not been here to blog for days is because i have been busy mugging. so when u r hitting the books, wad is there to say except for wad is written in my books? haha. but still, my God is a colourful God, so He add colors to my life. so i do have things to write after all.

hmm.. okie. starting from monday. my prac was good! in the sense that i can do it and i can finish it. haha. because i flopped my phy prac in prelims.. there was a little apprehension. but well, in the morning b4 the prac, God's presence came upon me like waves. n i was so touched by His presence that i breezed thru my prac. hee.

so i have been mugging. mon tues wed and hopefully today. well i went to the gym on tues. (everybody drops jaw) u mean u go to the gym? haha. yes. like once in a blue moon. but well, i m hitting the machines today again. haha. congrats to xiaoting. well, i have to get rid of the excess weight on my body before i can look glamourous in my prom dress. dun u agree? but i doubt that i can be really successful. haha. well, at least i will try. ;)

yest night toked to mic a little. it feels good to get in touch with old frens. i m meeting minyi to study tml. i was telling my fren that exams is a good time to be in contact with frens. haha. yah.. i think that is abt it. oh yes, one more thing. was jus flipping thru my essays written last yr. i came to realise that i wrote with a lot of conviction in the past. surprisingly. dunno y i lose that passion and conviction and only write with politically correct words and tone. if i write with conviction again, will i get my a1? haha. pls pray hard for me for my straight 'a's k.. this time i m really working hard and depending my God with all my life to see the best results in all my life too. Gambetha!

ouch. xiaoting feeling a little nostalgic. especially after reading john's blog. hmm.. yah. e18 is now e18 n e357. n yes, i noe that God is indeed at work in this cg.

but to imitate john (dun be blown up boy) this is for all those in e18..

cecilia. u r here as long as i can remember. n hey gal, xiaoting gonna miss u lots. for always being there n being so faithful. cg was different becos of u.

chee wee. u have grown! somuch so much.. keep on shining.. keep on playing! i noe u have a great destiny.. allow that destiny to come true in ur life!

carrie. u have grown too. haha. n u have come a long way. n i noe u have really made an effort to love God the best u can.. keep on loving Him ya? love ya lots too.

jonathon. it was a joy to see u growing in this cg and to see u love Him so simply. u r so faithful n always there.. God is gonna reward u for ur faithfulness. n God is faithful in ur life. n He will continue to be.

jinhui. u have taught me a lot honestly.. with ur wide knowledge n thanx for always being so available to help! we may see each other in uni.

ashley. it is always good to be zealous for God n continue to be. God will keep on working in ur life.. and many times there r going to be mouldings. You will be moulded by Him like u nv did before. yield to Him n His Holy Spirit and u gonna do jus fine!

valerie. i can see the spark in u. continue to love Him n serve Him k.. dun ever grow tired of loving Him. He deserves ur best.

yin giet. hey gal u can do it! u r a champion n a beautiful princess of God.. know who u r in Christ k..

jacqueline. u may feel new in this place but make this place ur home k? God loves u and all of us love u alot too! *hugs*

stephen. i noe u can't stand noise! haha. n i always unknowingly "shout" into ur ears. haha. hey.. God is looking for true worshippers.. be a true worshipper of God k..

cyan. i m glad to see u in e18 n in city harvest. keep on growing loving n shining. He has something great in store for u. see ur frens getting saved in hc k?

last but not least mr cheo. haha. of cos i can't leave u out. you have been a great gift from God to xiaoting. as much as i hate to admit it. (to avoid boosting ur ego) but i m going to miss ur presence in cg alot. i have seen u maturing.. growing to be a fine young man n shining for God, being kingdom-minded. dun stop here! u have a great destiny in Him. keep in touch k.. my hse is always open for *poor* kids. haha.

xiaoting is really feeling nostalgic. i love e18!!! n e357 too.. haha. i m gonna miss all of u. all of u. we have been thru so much.. haha. but yet God always bring us from glory to glory.. keep on loving loving Him ya?

n e357, let us keep on loving Him n grow in Him k..

p.s. hey some of us planned to go mission trip tog remember? haha.

cg multiplied!!!!!!!!!!

yah. i m officially from cg E357. a bit unbelievable. becos i have been in e18 for as long as i can remember. but i m really happy that e18 multiplied. yah. cos it is in God's will to be fruitful n multiply.

remember that when sis meiyan say that cg is going to multiply, n we were cheering, den she said let's give God a big hand. den it jus hit me that indeed it is the work of God for the cg to be FRUITFUL n MULTIPLY. well, all from e18, i m gonna miss u!

m listening to cyndi's song. was jus hearing the music. pure music without singing n stuff. it is really nice. suddenly it jus occurred to me how beautiful God's creation is. it is so amazing that music can be so soothing. this is wad ailing put in an email to me. n i love this quote.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance."

Ain't that true? haha. suddenly feeling very nostalgic. no, actually that is not the word. 感性. this is the word. yah.. suddenly sitting here.. mugging.. u will be feeling that urgh! i dun like this world at all. there r so many problems isn't it? this is such an imperfect world. but sometimes sitting here.. listening to the simplest things. looking at the DEEP blue sky. i will always be in wonder of God's creation. though this world is so imperfect, life seems so sian. sometimes we dunno wad we want, where we r going, wad will happen to us tml, life seems to be dragging. but yet, whenever i lift up my head, open my ears n my eyes, to see n hear, well, i see a beautiful world. that my God created. i appreciate the fact that i can see hear smell touch the beautiful things in this world. i thank God that there is a sky there is light there is a moon there are stars there is music there are plants n flowers there is snow wind dew water sunlight clouds. that there r frens members family relatives siblings nephews nieces cousins leaders classmates bro n sis in Christ. yah. whether the cup is half full or half empty is up to u.

i love! i love my life my God my frens my family my cg my church my cca lep my class my ex-class my ex ex class my sch my ex-ex-sch my ex-ex-ex sch i even love SIngapore. hahahaha. well iwant to be a person of love. becos there r many things for me to love. i want to be optimistic becos there r many things that make me smile. i want to be happy because happy are the people whose Lord is God... ah! i m happy elated exhilarated ecstatic intoxicated spirited BLESSED！do i sound crazy? well there is a joy in me that i can't contain. haha. can't contain.

i m blessed!

jus now lim yang n minyi called to ask me if i wanted to go genting after 'a' levels. on 26 nov. i was jus thinking n i asked him if it will cross the weekend. n he said yah.. mos prob coming back after sun kind of thing. den i said no. cos weekend is for God. haha. but i din tell him that lah. den he said u r not going cos weekend got church? den i say yah.. shld be not going lah. he said this.. 这样严重啊。haha. which struck me.. 严重？wad a word.. but yah.. 其实我已经入戏太深，或者我应该说是中毒太深吧。对，就是那么严重。

其实我也好想出国，我有好久好久都没有出国散心了，因为这几年我都放不下。我好喜欢出国的感觉，但是却已经好久没有出国了。刚才拒绝的时候，可以听见脑里有人要我妥协。

why do u want to be so "hard core"? ( this term is termed by yong xiang )
why not jus compromise?
look at all the things u r missing out because of God n church..

well, it is true that i m missing out on so much. but u noe sumtin, there is so much i gained that i cannot have with anything else. i love Him. with all of my heart. i will not trade this love He has for me for anything else in the world. if u love someone with all ur heart, u noe that u want to give Him ur entire life. that is wad i wan to do. i may seem like a fool.. but i will rather be a fool for Christ den to be a fool in the world. n i admit.. i m hopelessly in love.. hopelessly poisoned. everybody wants me to cut ties with God.. haha. my dad wants to go to china to cut off ties with city harvest.. nice try dad. haha. well.. i told him, if i can leave chc so easily, den the nine yrs i spent loving God has been wasted isn't it..

我已经中毒太深，直到我不能自拔。

u noe sumtin? i wish i m more in love with Him. i wish for MORE.

jus now i was walking thru geylang serai where they had the pasar malam. wow! it was so festive! there were many many stores and it is really not like usual. for those who dunno, i stay in Malay Village and now is the Ramadan which means it is really festive season for the Malays. yah. it feels good walking down the road looking at the different kind of stuff they selling. ;)

den they put up lights at joo chiat complex also.. it was quite nice lah, although the building was not v nice. den got these Malay Calligraphy.. where the words r wriiten in arab or sumtin by Chinese i think, maybe the xinjiang pple but it was really interesting. haha. i wanted to buy stickers but a bit short of cash. haha.

oh and i also wanna say a big thank u to my daddy.. cos he bought me a cross necklace which was really really nice. from japan. i love it!

listening to "the rainbow connection" from mengru's song. after putting down the phone, it is really the thingy that makes me smile. it is such a cute song. hee. guess i m feeling really disappointed with somebody. well, we jus simply can't avoid that in our lives issit? ;) But jus that i have jus lowered my expectations and there somethingy comes along n expect me to lower my expectations again.. hey that is really tiring. den to begin with i shld have might as well jus not expect at all? haix.

anyway today was another mugging day. i was in such a crazy mood the whole day till that phone call. but anyway.. i was really crazy today! went studying with chan eng n weiqi n we ended up eating swensens.. today i ate so much! haha. den i jus laughed at every possible thingy. haha. but today was not such a productive day after all. but i had a good time n yest night i jus slept thru wad i needed. i have "put back" all that i missed out on the past week. feeling really alert! haha. going to mug somemore.. haix. today was such a good day until.. geeZ.

but it will still be good.. ;) study hard guys!

i jus realise that i really love challenges. i guess the singapore education really din manage to put that in me u noe. was jus toking to my dad. n i was asking him do the high management in big companies in singapore work their way there or it is because of connections.. den my dad said that nowadays working up is very diff. n he said being a civil servant is good. but being an ace student in singapore only assure u to be the top civil servant. that is like so mediocre.. so average. so NORMAL. i was telling him that being a civil servant meant that there is only so high u can fly u noe.

i want to fly in the blue sky. big blue sky. no wonder i love God so much. becos He is without limits. The things that i can do for Him reaches to the skies.

today i was really provoked. this time round if i dun study hard n get my best results, i m really letting God down. It ain't about me, it is about Him. i need to do well so tthat He can be glorified. i m carrying n representing the name of Jesus.

oh i forgot..

CONGRATULATIONS to all who got their MMs! heeee... namely CEcilia, Chan Eng, Weiqi, AILING, mao shun, hwee ling n others whom i may but left out. ;)

hey i m finally back to blog again. ;) it has indeed been a tiring weekend. haha. but well.. i enjoyed myself thoroughly with my members since they r "released" from after the exams. haha.

well, on sat, yesh, i preached. haha. it was an exciting experience n i shall leave it to them to tell u how did i do. haha. n thanx for all ur encouragement! it really encouraged me a lot! after that to have mos of the pple staying back n fellowshipping is so fun! haha. we celebrated cyan's birthday n appreciated terence. yest was the last day he is playing for my cg. Ow! haha. yup.. we do appreciate u alot of all that u've done.. n chee wee.. u go man! den aft cg john n ying n their fren su wei came to my hse.. for more details pls visit john's blog. hee. n today also.. hey i really enjoy the company of my cg! den jus now we watched white chicks. well everybody was saying tat it is very funny.. so raise my expectations a bit.. in the end din meet leh. haha. i din laugh that hard until my stomachache kind. maybe studied too hard. haha.

yup. today is xiaoting rest day. from tml onwards we will be driving faster. hee.

oh.. jus remembered bout our last day of sch.. yah. we took lots of pics. i think i m really going to miss this place class n pple. geez.. let's really have a great class outing k...

haha. here to blog before i embark on a mugging day. jus finished watching wo jia si ge bao. i love the show! it is so filled with warmth.. i always cry like mad when i watch it. haha.

the third entry in a row. boy m i mad.. oh yeah. haha. today went bugis. din go shopping guys.. jus went to buy specs with ahma (not my grandma) but she din get it. but i did mug on some really tedious integration u noe. anyway i PROMISED john i was blog abt the phone call. this is wad happen on sun night at 10++ pm.

(the following conversation is translated into english, for convenience's sake)

ring ring.

me: who u looking for?
john: i m looking for xiaoting.
me: u got the wrong no.
john: okie.
me: bye bye.

we hung up.
ring ring.

me: hello.
john: hello?
me: may i noe who r u looking for?
john: i m looking for xiaoting.
me: there is no xiao ting. wad no did u call?
john: 91808617
me: oh this is 91808614
john: yah.
me: yah. bye bye.

we hung up again.
phone rang for the third time. i wanted to do it again. but could not help but burst out laughing.

me: (laughing) u mean u din realise??
john: jus now it was u?
me: yah!
john: and the first one?
me: me lah!

boy did i enjoy myself.. thank u john for brightening my day. hee.

读了维彪的 blog 后有感而发。“这世界什么都得根利益挂钩。”而我，最憎恨就是这个。难道我们做的每一件事情都要对我们有好处吗？没有好处，没有利益的事情就不能做吗？谁定下的规矩？我讨厌屈服于这个虚伪的世界。人，撒旦，在每个程度上，成功的歪曲了上帝的本意。令我不绝望的是，人间还有爱。虽然很多时候，爱也变质了。变成自私，自我。这不是爱。

我不要跟着这世界的规矩玩游戏。我要遵守他的原则。是的，我不要去中国。（指现在，读书）我不要响应政府的号召。我不要做讨好的事。不是的，我不是叛逆，不是任性。只因为我在玩他的游戏，在走他铺的道路，不是我的，不是政府的，不是社会的，不是爸爸的，是他的。

我想，人总是有选择听或不听的权利吧。而且更可以选择用心聆听与否。

有时候真地想知道我的脑袋是装什么的，怎么能够做出这么愚蠢的事情来？晓亭，是时候松手了。飞机快要起飞了。飞机是不等人的。

last call: All passengers taking Flight "to the ends of the earth" pls go to gate "let go" now and board the plane.

与其作垂死的挣扎，不如“漂亮得跃下舞台”？

我要像断了线的风筝，飞到天涯海角，至今，我仍找不到我的主人，我要随风飘去，强劲的风，将带领我到世界上最美丽的地方，让我看尽了全世界，那时，如果我找到你，那就该落脚了。

我以前只知道得握紧，现在才懂得“放开”的珍贵，有时候我们真得太执著了。原本以为，我们需要握紧才能得到，放开是愚蠢的表现。这和事实相差太远了，可恨我到了今时今日，虽然了解这其中的奥妙，却无法达到这种境界。但是! 我已经快到达了。不久后，我便能在蓝天白云中自由翱翔。到时候，请不要羡慕我。我愿你和我像断了线的风筝，不被束缚，尽情的飞。

飞吧！晓亭，飞吧！Soar like an eagle...

haix. feeling a bit sad cos i got Ungraded for my LEP S paper. Geez.. jus now was feeling rather erm.. dunno how to say but now better.

i havent been a good girl.. jus now read my script. it is really not that good u noe.. yah. acty quite bad i think.. sometimes i feel really quite sad. cos i think that i really have no wen bi? dunno y i m in lep.. n i dunno wad i m doing also. toking abt liking chinese so much but really in me, there is no substance to tok abt? haix.

anyway.. jus want to say that i love hwa chong!!! today mr chow played us the 30th anniversary vcd.. well u can say that it is trying to stir up our emotions or something.. but den when i was watching it.. i really cried. with tears flowing down my cheeks non-stop. i really love this sch, love huang cheng, love lep, love the sch compound, love 61, love mr chow, love all my tutors, love my lovely lep tutors, every single one of them. to be honest, i din noe i love this place so much. it is like my home away from home.. besides home, besides chc, this is the place. geez. all the cheering, the songs..

突然发现我可以用华文打字了。好开心。用华文写字然我又开心又难过知道吗？这是我敬爱的语言，文学，可是却对自己很失望，因为爱它只是挂在口中的事，我却没有上进心，没有力求进步，是不是应该拖出去问斩？我会做的，也只不过是苦读LEP罢了，但是我并没有为这股热忱做什么。该当何罪？现代人应该有很多会说不会做的人吧，可恨的是我竟然渐渐地成为其中之一。在德明的时候以为自己有一点了不起，来到华初，真的是小巫见大巫。不对，我应该连小巫都不如吧，口语化的句子，不够简练的语言，晓亭，如果连基本都不会，请不要再谈中华文学。五千年的历史，凭什么由你这个红毛丫头说得算？

失望。泄气。由谁能带来一盏灯，重新点燃心中的火，让我能再次燃烧起来？

对。我爱华初。我爱华文。我爱语特。只但愿这不是说说而已。

urgh! i m so angry!!! with myself.. cos i din manage to complete 40 hours... FREAK XIAOTING. aiyah.. i m really so upset.. last week i could cram 10 hours in 2 days.. this week i could not! oh man.. so so so so so so so upset!!!! haix. can i simply study harder??

hey guys.. thanx for all ur concern! i m alright! haha. figured out my thots n now i m okie okie okie okie.. suffered from some emotional disorder. now i m okie.. moving on to my 'a's n my dreams!

i din noe that to do wad u say is so difficult. ever feel that u wanna do sumtin but ur heart jus refuse to let things go ur way? well.. that is how i m feeling right now. i m trying really hard to lift my spirits up.. i din noe things will be so hard on me. i really din expect. n i also din expect this day will come. how long will it take?

yay! i m so glad he is okie.. felt like a stone lifted from me. ;)

i m back! jus reached home from watching mamma mia! fantastic! haha. but i m dead beat. dunno y these few days i m jus so so tired.. geeZ. but anyway, jus wanna thank God for a wonderful night! i think pple out there will jus drool to hear wad i m saying..

first of all, i went to colours by the way. the seaside there.. man do i like it there.. so coincidental was that i met 2 chc guys.. how do i noe? cos they were playing n learning guitar. guess wad song? Jesus jesus Holy n anointed One. Jesus. that song. immediately i was like.. they r frm chc. so i went to tok to them.

after tat i had dinner at thai express! sumptous dinner... muahahahaha. den we bought chocolates frm the really ex chocolate shop.. but the chocolates were so nice!!!! oh my.. hee.

den watching mamma mia.. it is really good u noe.. but i feel it can be better. but i enjoyed myself completely! hee. really.. the voices n dance were really good. the song that we sang from pst sun.. thank you for the music, the songs we're singing. who can live without it we ask in honesty.. that song.. they sang it too. n dancing queen n i have a dream.

in conclusion, xiaoting is tired! but happy. think i m going to sleep n waking early to study.. i need to mug! haha.

haix. ailing u r going to kill me for this but to a certain extent i m affected. not affected like erm emotionally but more of worried n sth on my mind kind of thingy.. urgh!

jus gonna blog how i feel..

cant believe it. y do pple ard me do stupid things? u noe sumtin.. acty a lot of times we noe that it is not right not good n we still go ahead with it.. many times believing the devil's lies that things r going to be okie! it is not! dun ever compromise ur standards can.. this is a trial. dun live in self-deception when u noe that things r not right n u insist that they r! stop living in lies.. self deception.. compromised standards. there is more so much more in the kingdom of God! we r always so stubborn to want to go on the way we want to noe when the Holy Spirit is like screaming no!!!!!!! silently kind of thingy..

wake up ur idea can? open ur spiritual eyes n see wad has God in store for u.. it is so crucial. dun fall now! if u fall, it will not be so easy to get back again. God has touched u again n again.. allow u to experience again n again.. so that u r prepared to walk on.. do not turn to ur left or to ur right.. walk the highway of the Most High.. dun turn a deaf ear to the Holy Spirit!!!!

hey hey.. i m home! jus came back from studying. today studied quite alot but not very productive leh. haix. nvm.. tml i got break in sch from 9.20 am to 2.40 pm. i shall mug my gu wen very very hard.. haha.

anyway.. jus want to thank God that i got B for LEP. it is really a miracle lah. considering that that day i had physics n LEP. n i really really studied very hard for phy n not so much for lep. think that God is really a good god. n it is so tyco in the sense that i m on the dot.. haha. but i really want to thank God for that.. n i m praying that i can do well for physics too!

hey guys thanx for the encouragement. ;) i m okie now.. up n on *to quote sa's motto* again.. my life is about eat, mugging, sleep n God now. nothing else i gonna get in my way. no time n room for rubbish stupid thinking. ailing once said.. ni hai you shi qing yao zuo. yup... all mugging out there.. u guys rawks!

*i want to shine in the dark sky like a bright star* for You!

tears rolling down my cheeks. they cant stop.

well.. my previous entry was in chinese n i completely cant see it. that is really sad! when i m feeling sad i always like to write in chinese. that explains y i m a chinese freak.. maybe i will pen some thots down.

man.. i think this weekend is terrible u noe. haix. felt like things came one after another. n wad is worse is.. a lot of times i feel like i dun have frens ard me whom i cant share n cry with. geez.. but it is okie.. cos i do have my Father in heaven. but sometimes jus wish that there is sum1 whom i can call n whine too..

xiaoting u mus study study study study! everybody tells me that i mus study.. it seems like everything is jus screaming to me xiaoting study!!!!! even God tells me to study. geez...... i will i will i will i will i will i will. i promise can.. i will really really really try... really really... n i m trying... xiaoting is trying. pls.. jus give me a second chance.. i dunno if i can do it. i dunno if i can give my 100% in my 'a' levels.. i jus need somebody to believe with me, trust in me... it's been 5 yrs since i last done that. give my all in my studies.. i promise. i will try...

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hey weiqi chan eng...

jus wanna say a big thank you to u all. suddenly on the way back jus realised how blessed i m to have u guys with me. thanx for believing in me n standing with me.. though sometimes i may sound really absurd, u all still trusted me for wad i said. thanx for standing tog with me n believing for our HC vision to come to past.. words cant express a million thanx! we r running our last lap so let us just keep on going k.. i noe n i noe wad God promised is going to come to past. ;)

on another note, congrats to mr ong! haha.

2 Cor 4:16
"Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day."